FuNnY DeFiNiTiOnS

of English Words

© 2001-2020 Systemagic Productions

A.

Aaaack: Utterance upon running face first into a spider web  - and realizing that you don't know where the spider is now.

 

 

Aardvark: The honest way to make money.  

Abalone: Nonsense!

Abash: A great party.

Abdicate: To renounce stomach exercises

Abdominal: Legendary snowman.

Abominable: What you have when a male bovine swallows dynamite.
Absentee: Missing golf accessory.

Abstract Logic: 1. See definition two. 2. See definition one. 

Abundance: Big party held in a bakery.

Abundunce:  A dumb bunny.  

Acclaim: Something a good insurance agent knows how to handle.

Accordion: Pleated bagpipe.

Accordianated: Ability to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Accountant: 1) Person who feels good when things are looking black.  2) One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Accrue:  People who run a ship.

Accumulate:  Slang way of asking, "Why are you tardy?"

Acetone: Thatís the sound when you pick up the phone.   

Acme: Pimples on the tip of your nose.

Acoustic: What you play pool with.

Acquit: Fed-up employee statement.

Acre: Someone who aches.

Acronym: Name for a gymnast.

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

Adamant: The first insect.

Address: Attire worn by some females.

Adventure:  Somewhere between entertainment and panic.

After dinner mint: Funds required upon receipt of check.

Aftermath:  Period following algebra.

Air pollution: Mist demeanor.

Airplane: A lot of parts flying in close formation.

Alarm clock: Machine that scares the daylights into people without kids.

Alcoholic: A person who drinks more than his physician. 

Alimony: 1) Fee for name-dropping. 2) Bye now, pay later. 3) Bounty after the mutiny. 4) The high cost of leaving. 5) The billing without the cooing.

Aloha:  Reduce volume; Ďplease speak in aloha voice.í

Alone: What the bank leaves you.
Alphabet: Fifty percent of a wager.
Allure: See Debate.

Alp: A European skierís shout for assistance.

Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in coffee with both hands.

Amenable: A prayer. 

America: One nation, under God, with liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go.

Amidst:  Thick fog.

Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time.

Anaerobic: Unwilling to exercise.

Anno Domini (AD): No more dominoes.

Antacid: Hallucinogenic drugs used by little bugs.

Ants:  People who marry uncles.

Antiquarian:  Ant born between Jan 21-Feb 23.

Antelope: A type of family scandal.

Apathy:  Who cares?

Apex: Former spouse of a gorilla.

Apparent: One's mother or father.

Apricot: Where a baby gorilla sleeps.

Aquarium:  Interactive television for cats.  

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after accidentally walking through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Archaic: What we eat after ar dinner.

Archaeologist: 1) Ghoul with credentials. 2) Person whose career lies in ruins.

Armadillo: 1) Possum on the half-shell. 2) Texas speed bump.

Aroma: Whisper heard by nose.

Aromatic: Automatic longbow.

Arson: Not ar daughter.

Array: What comes out of Buck Roger's gun.  

Arrays: What you demand from your boss.

Arrears: Our two organs of hearing.

Arteologist: One who digs old paintings.

Artery: Study of paintings.

Artefacts:  Things art majors know.

Artistic License: You're looking at it.

Ashtray:  Pig Latin for Trash.

Aspirin:  Having great ambitions.

Asset:  A little donkey.

Astronaut:  Whirled traveler.

Astronomer:  Night watchman.

Atheism: 1) A deep religious faith in the non-existence of God. 2) A non-prophet organization.

Atheist: One with no invisible means of support.

Atomizer: Cheapskate who hoards microscopic particles.

Attorney:  Major sporting event.

Audiophile: Stereotype.

Authorize: What writers see with.

Automobile:  A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Autumn: When nature goes baroque.  
Awestruck: Feeling when your team loses unexpectedly.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter does.

Axe: Inquire

 

 B.  

Baby-Sitter: 1) A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that adults may behave like teen-agers. 2) One you hire to watch TV.

Bachelor: 1) A man who Mrs. nothing. 2) An unaltared male. 3) A rolling stone that gathers no boss.

Bacteria: Lunchroom for chiropractors.  

Bail: Made hay.  

Bailiff: Dried up leaf, used in cooking.

Bald: When youíre taller than your hair.  

Balderdash: Rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Banality: Any joke about a banana. For example:..

Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.  

Bandwidth: Limited by the size of the stage.

Bar: What a Southerner hunts in the woods.  

Bar Stool: What hillbillies sometimes step in.

Barbarous: Bad hair cut.  

Bard: Past tense of "to borrow."

Bargain: Buy two soaps and get one free.

Barium: What you do with dead chemists.

Baroque: When you are out of Monet.

Barren: A naked bird.

Bawlroom: Hospital nursery.

Beach Wiccan: A sand witch.

Beatnik: Santa Claus the day after Christmas.

Beauty: 1) [Internal] A quality that most times comes from within - jars, tubes and bottles; 2)  [External] Given by Mother Nature and taken by Father Time.

Beauty parlour:  A place where women curl up and dye.  

Bee: Fly with a fur coat.

Beheading: Loss of face.

Belittle: Shrink!

Belly button: Salt holder when eating celery in bed.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.  

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Bide: Purchased.

Bigotry: One of the California redwoods.

Bikini: Public Waist.

Bipolar: Eskimo marketing slogan.

Bison: What a buffalo says to his kid when he's leaving.

Bit: Unit by which computer programmers lose their sanity.

Black hole: 1) God dividing by zero. 2) The "subway" of the universe.

Blunderbuss: Vehicle used for random traveling.

Book: The original random access device.

Boss:  Someone who's late when you're early and early when you're late.

Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.

Boulder: Less timid.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it. 

Bother: a Pooh poo.

Bouyant: Male hill insect.

Bore: Someone who talks about himself when he should be talking about yourself.

Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.

Breadth: A wide loaf.

Buccaneer: Unit cost of corn on the cob.

Bucktooth: Going rate for the tooth fairy.

Budget: 1) A record of what the money should have been spent for.2) Methodical debt incursion.

Buffet: French for making a pig of yourself.  

Bulimia: Retched excess.

Bulldozer:  Someone who sleeps through political speeches.

Bungalow: Unfortunate buffalo that can't do anything right.  

Bunion: Paul's surname.

Bunny: Bakery characteristic.

Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Bust: Stone representation of someone ahead of their time.

 

C.  

 

Cabbage:  1) The fare you pay the taxi driver. 2) The number of years a taxi has existed.

Calorie: Unit denoting how good food tastes.

Calzone:  That particular zone where one pigs out on pizza.

Camelot: The place to shop for a used dromedary.

Campus: Show us where to pitch our tent.

Cancer: The cure for smoking.

Cannibal: One who gets fed up with people.

Canoe: Are you able.

Can opener: Bathroom key.  

Cantaloupe: Unable to run away and get married.

Capital Punishment: Income Tax

Capsize: Head measurement.  

Cards: Game devices with which a good deal depends on a good deal.

Carnation: Auto land.

Carnivore: Someone who watches people dancing and playing music in the street.

Carp Diem: Fish of the Day.

Cartoons: 1) Music played in an automobile. 2) Devices used by newspapers to say what an editor dare not.

Cartoonist: Auto mechanic.

Case: The amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast.

Cashew: Sound of a nut sneezing.

Castanet: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend.

Cat: 1) Small, four legged, furry extortionist resembling a meatloaf. 2) Walking ego with an attitude problem. 3) Alien that took over the Earth millennia ago. 4) Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

Cataclysm: Bible study classes for cats.

Caterpillar: 1) Upholstered worm.2) A soft scratching post for cats.

Cat Scan: Very expensive modality for finding a missing hamster.

Catatonic: Feline medicinal drink.

Caviar Emptor: Let the Fish Beware!

Cause: The noises made by crows.

Cauterize:  Made eye contact with her.

Celebrity: Person who is well-known for their well-knownness.

Cell: The opposite of bi.

Cemetery: 1) A marble orchard you can take for granite. 2) Death row.

Censor: One who sticks his no's into other people's business.

Census taker: Man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Centipede: A metric inchworm.

Cesarean Section: Historic district in Rome.  

Chairity: Donating your La-Z-Boy.

Chicken: The egg's way of making more eggs.

Childhood: Cowl for a youngster.

Children: 1) Unreasonable facsimiles. 2) Heir raising experiences.

China: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Chinese Spy: Peiking Tom.

Chiropractors: Manipulators.  

Church: Place where you encounter nodding acquaintances.

Circumference: Original knight of the round table.

Circumvent: Opening in the front of boxer shorts

Classic: Not tutored.

Class Action: Quality activity

Claustrophobia: Fear of Santa.

Coffee:  1) Sneezy's younger brother. 2) Consciousness. 3) Someone who's coughed upon. 4) Break fluid.

Coffin: Chest cold symptom.

Coincide: What to do when it starts raining.

Collage: French institute of higher education.

College: The bread of life; a four year loaf.

Coma: Punctuation mark.  

Command: Suggestion made to a computer.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compalatable: Two people with the same taste in art.

Compatible: Progress and pet this male bovine.

Computer: 1) A box that you can never completely fill with money. 2) Very fast, very precise device for generating mistakes.

Con Artist: The guy who draws pictures of suspects.

Conductor:  A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Confusion: The oldest religion in China.  

Conference: Confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.

Congenital: Friendly.

Congress: Opposite of progress.

Consciousness:  Annoying time between naps.

Conscript: One who is forced to fight for freedom.

Consensus: Prison population survey.

Conservative:  Someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 

Considerable: What bullfighters do.  

Consist: A growth on an inmate.

Contents: Camping shelters for prisoners.

Contrite: The lament of an illiterate person.

Control: A short, ugly inmate

Conventional: Like nuns.

Copper Nitrate: What policemen get paid for working evenings.

Copyright: Duplicating a computer disk without errors.

Cordial: Describes death by hanging.  

Core Memory: A Marine's nostalgia.

Corkscrew: Device used to open a conversation.

Cosmetics: A means to prevent men from reading between the lines.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Courage: Fear extinguisher.

Court: A place where they dispense with justice.

Cow: Machine that makes grass palatable for humans.

Cramming: Eating too many snacks while studying.

Crash: Normal termination.

Cremation: Used in coffee.

Cribbage: Baby's bedroom.

Croissant: Angry ant.

Curate: How quickly paint dries.

Cursor: Computer expert in four-letter words.

Curtail: Tale told by a junkyard mutt.

Cyclone: To ride a bike without company.

Cymbals: Little pictures that mean things.

Cytology: Study of locations.

 

D.

 

Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

Dalmatian: Consignment to Hell.

Dare:  Not here... dare!

Daze: Opposite of knights.

Dead: Terminally inconvenienced.

Death:  1) Something you can live without. 2) Natures was of telling you to slow down.

Debate:  What lures de fish.

Debunk:  Where de cowboy sleeps.

Decaf: 1) Used to sober up after drinking non-alcholic beer. 2) To deliver a newborn bovine.

Decrease: De fold in de pants.

Define: De ting you get fo' breakin' de law.

Deja Stew: Leftovers

Delicate:  A dainty kitten who likes kosher food.

Democracy: How voters choose who to blame.

Demote: What de king put round de castle.

Denial:  A river in Egypt.

Dense:  What your car gets in a fender bender.

Dentist:  One who lives from hand to mouth.

Depth: Height turned upside down.

Depressed: Wrinkled

Derive: Something to avoid when you derink.

Dermatology:  Rash judgments.

Derange: A place where de cowboys ride.

Deranged: Driven off the ranch.

Dermatology: Rash judgments.

Deserter: Soldier who stuffs himself with all the ice cream and cream cakes.

Desk: A large wastebasket with drawers and a phone

Despair: De extra tire in de trunk.

Despise: People who work for the CIA.

Dessert: The reason for eating a meal.

Destabilize:  To take the horse out for a trot.

Destinesia: Arriving at a place not able to remember why.

Detention: What causes de stress.

Dew: Air that looks wet.

Diagnostic:  To expire not knowing whether God exists.

Diarrhea:  Journal of daily events.

Diary: Book of revelations.

Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.

Dictionary: The only place where Success comes before work.

Diatonic: Low fat drink.

Diet: 1) For people who are thick and tired of it all. 2) Gut reaction. 3) Triumph of mind over platter. 4) What some women do to their hair. 5) Keeping willpower dominant over won't power.

DiJon Vu: The feeling that you've tasted this mustard before. 

Dilate: To live long.

Dilemma: A pickle.

Dime:  Dollar after taxes.

Dimple:  Pimple going the other way.

Diode: What happens to people who don't die young.

Dioxen: What you shout as you kill a bunch of buffalo-like cattle.

Diploma: Di man who fixes di pipes.

Diplomacy: 1) The art of letting someone else get your way. 2) Lying in state.

Disappointment:  Particular meeting.

Discord: Not to be confuse with Datcord.

Discount: CD store inventory.

Disgruntled: Pigs with laryngitis.

Dispirited: Out of gin.

Distain: The one on your pants.

DNA: The building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

Doctor:  Cures ills with pills and kills with bills.

Doghouse:  Mutt hut.

Dog Pound: Used cur lot.

Dogma: Puppy's mom.

Dogmatic: Man's best mechanical friend.

Dogmatism: Fully grown puppymatism. 

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Download: Pillow stuffing.

Draft: An ill wind from which many a young man has caught his death.

Dramatize:  What well-dressed actors wear.

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Duck: Chicken on snow shoes.

Dual: A fight over love & money or jealousy & infidelity for example.

Duet: Don't just sit there!

Due Tomorrow: Do tomorrow.

Dust Rags: See "Dadís Underwear"

Dyslexia: Beeing Sackwards.

E.

Early: Like Dumbo.

Easter: Further to the east.

Eclipse: What a barber does.

Ecstatic: Formerly charged with electric particles.

Egotist: 1) Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.  2) One who suffers from I strain.

Electrician: Person who wires for money

Encrypt: Where Egyptian mummies sleep.

Enema: Not a friend.

Enlist: n, n, n, n, n, ... 

Epistle: What apostle's are always firing off.

Epoch: The sound made by a hen.

Escape: One size larger than an "R" cape.

Esplanade: Explanation attempt while drunk. 

Etc.: Used to make it appear as if you know more than you do etc.

Euphemasia: New politically correct name for Political Correctness:

Evolution: 1) From goo to you by way of the zoo. 2) Nature's way of upgrading the hardware.3) How scientists make monkeys of themselves.

Exlax: Formerly the Los Angeles Airport.

Experience: Perils of wisdom.  

Express:  Formerly of  print media.

Extent: Place to put your former spouse.

Eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist

 F.

F: School grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B".

Fad: In one era and out the other.

Far: A conflagration.

Fat free: No extra charge for the fat.

Facts: Things which tend to moderate opinions.

Faith: Where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located.

Fast-Food: Economy Gastronomy.

Father: Banker provided by nature.

Fatherhood: Cowl for a dad.

Fauxpass: The fake slip of paper that a student uses as a hall pass.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Feature: A defect with seniority.

Fee-fi-fo-bia: Fear of giants.

Felicity: A town inhabited by happy cats.

Felonious assault: Attacking someone with a cat.

Ferret: 1) Cross between a dachshund and a cat. 2) Chaos theory with teeth, claws and a slight odor.

Fester: 1) Actor in Gunsmoke. 2) Quicker.

Feudalism: It's your Count that votes.

Fibrillate: To tell a lie in the wee hours of the morning.

Fibula: Small lie.

Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.

Fingers: Digital calculators.

Fish Fryer: Chip monk.

Flabbergasted: Appalled about weight gain.

Flail: Not to succeed.

Flashlight: Container for dead batteries.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle for steamroller accident victims.

Flippant: Like a fish.  

Florist: Petal pusher.

Fjord: Norwegian automobile.

Fobia: Fear of misspelled words

Fog: The air apparent.

Foot: Device for finding Legos in the dark.

Footnote: Sole music.

Forced: Place that's full of trees.

Forebearers: Ancestors who were in favour of grizzlies.

Forecasts: What you need when you break both arms and legs.  

Forest: In favour of taking it easy.

Forger: Person who gives checks a bad name.

Foreclose: Toward apparel; If I buy food, I'll have no money foreclose.

Forfeit: What most animals stand on.

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers.

Form: Administrative currency.

Fortify: More than forty-four, less than forty-six.

Fortitude: Life after age forty-one.

Fortune Teller:  Economically exclusive bank employee.

Free: The number preceding fore.

Frog: Amphibian with edible legs.

Fruit: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

Fuchsia: Opposite of past.

Fun: (Single's Ad Translation) Annoying

Fungi: Life of the party.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

 

Letters G-Z

 

The Chronicles  (funny)

Positive Adjective Glossary            Positive Nouns that Describe People

Romantic Adjectives            Positive Business Words

 

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