Geneology:
1)
Chasing your own tale. 2) Tracing how you descended from someone who
didn't. 3) It's all relative in the end anyway.
Genocide: The mass
slaughter of genies.
Germinate:To become a naturalized
German.
Glacier:
Man who fixes windows.
Giraffiti:
Vandalous spray-painting really high up.
Glimo:To
attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine.
Gluttonous: Hippobottomless.
Goad:
Went
GOD:Generator, Operator
and Destroyer
Golf: 1) The only
game where players get teed off before starting. 2) A game where the
ball usually lies poorly and the player well. 3) A lovely walk spoiled
by a little white ball. 4) Baseball for those that don't have 8 friends.
Golfer:Yells
"Fore!", Takes Five, Writes Down Three.
Gonzo: No
dweeb.
Gossip: 1) Someone with a sense of rumour. 2)
Someone who syndicates their conversation. 3) Knife of the party.
Granite: Presupposed;
as in, to take
things for granite.
Grippe: A handle on
a suitcase for flu medicines.
Ground water: Crushed
ice.
Gum: Adhesive for
hair.
H.
Hamlet:
A little pig.
Handi-wipes:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Hanging: 1)
An early western form of
Bungee Jumping. 2) Suspended sentence.
Hangnail:
Coat hook.
Hangover:1)
The wrath of grapes. 2) Mourning after the night before.
Hardware:
The part you kick.
Harp: Naked
Piano.
Hearsay:What
toddlers do when they hear a dirty word.
Heterodyne:
Eating with someone of the
opposite sex.
Hiking: Friendly
greeting for a male monarch.
Holy
War: A
war, for God's sake.
Home
Cooking: A place where many men think their wives
are.
Homemade
Bread: An object of fiction like the Fountain of
Youth and the Golden Fleece.
Honeymoon:1) A short
period of
doting between dating and debting. 2) The time between 'I do' and
'You'd better!' 3) Morning after the knot before.
Horse:Stable
animal.
Horse
Sense:
1) Stable behavior. 2) The
thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people.
Hospitals:Places
where the run down wind up.
Hot:
Blood-pumping organ.
Hotel:Place
where dollars are given for quarters.
Hug:
A roundabout way of expressing
affection.
Hula:
Welcome waggin'.
Humerus:
Tell us what we want to hear.
Humdinger: Sound
of an
antique clock before striking.
Hunters:Deer people.
Hypochondria:
Compulsively
feeling like a hippopotamus.
Hypothalmus:
A
Thalamus the size of a large animal.
Hydrophobia:
Fear of utility companies.
Hyperspace:More
energetic
than normal space.
Hypotenuse:An
aircraft’s toilet in use during flight.
Hysteria: Fear of snakes.
I.
Ice:
Skid stuff.
Icicle:
Eavesdropper.
Idolize:
Lazy eyeballs.
Igloo:
An icicle built for two.
Iliterate:Unhealthy
author.
Illegal:A sick bird.
Immigration:
The
sincerest
form of flattery.
Impale: 1.
What the native
Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man. 2.
Elfin beverage.
Impatience:
A
wait problem.
Impeccable:Unable
to be eaten by a chicken.
Impersonate:What did he do Mr. Cannibal?
Impotent: 1)
Distinguished, well known.
2) Camping shelter for a chubby elf.
Impunity:
What happens when the playful band together.
Inadvertant:
Ant featured in commercial.
Incisor:
Person who exercises indoors.
Income
Tax: Capital punishment
Incommodious:
Occupied bathroom
Independent: Hanging out opposite the shallow end of the pool.
Indistinct:
Where the dirty dishes are.
Infantry: The baby's room.
Inflation: 1) Just a drop in the buck.2) Fate worse than debt.
3) Result
of legalized counterfeiting.
Inkling:
1) A very small pen. 2) Thought sought in a Rorschach test.
Innuendo:
Italian for where you hang your
curtains.
Inpatient: Where the
lost scalpel can be found.
Input:
Food, beverages, painkillers, stimulants, etc.
Intuition:
Hotel admission fee.
Insecticide:When
insects kill themselves.
Instinct: Intelligence incapable
of self-consciousness.
Intense: Where campers hang out.
Intensive: Significant;
‘For all
intensive purposes.’
Irony:1)
Metalurgical2)
Something you smelt. 3) Opposite of wrinkly.
Isolate:Personal
lament regarding tardiness.
Iterate:
A healthy illiterate.
J.
Jargon: When the jam and container are missing.
Jaundice:Met
up with our group.
Jeanealogy:
Study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims.
Juggersnot: A huge
impending sneeze you know you can't prevent.
Juggler:
1) Schizophrenic playing
catch. 2) A vein in your neck.
Jugular:
Shaped
like an urn.
Juniper: Contraction
meaning “Did you bite that female?”
Justice:
1) Decision in your favor. 2) What
judges mix their
drinks with.
Juveniles: Little
rivers that run into the Nile.
K.
Kerchief:
The noise you make when sneezing into a hanky.
Ketch: Disagreeable
clause in
boat-purchase contract.
Keyboard:
Device used to enter errors into the computer.
Kibble: One
thousand nibbles.
Kidnap: Goat’s
rest
period.
Kilocycle: Really hard bike to ride.
Kindred: Fear
of being
visited by relatives.
Kiss: 1) Putting your honey where
your mouth is.
Kit
N.
Caboodle:
A whole lot of cats.
Kilohertz:Mortal
injuries.
Kleptomaniac:
One who can't help himself from helping himself.
L.
Lab: A
room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they
dissect.
Labor
Pain:
Getting hurt at work.
Lactose:
Consequences of frostbite.
Lamb Stew:Much ado about mutton.
Landscape:
Panoramic escape.
Lap
Dog: Greyhound used for racing.
Latent:
The French camping shelter.
Laughing
stock: Cattle
with a sense of humor.
Laughter:
A smile having an orgasm.
Laugh
track:
Fraudience.
Lawyer: 1)
Misspelling of the word "Liar." 2) Larval form of a
politician.
Leanient:
Building inspectors in Pisa.
Legacy:A wooden leg
in a
bequest.
Legends:
Feet.
Lettermen:
Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the
vowel or consonant they’ve mastered.
Liability:
Fraud artist asset.
Library: Multi story
building.
Lightyear: Regular year with fewer
calories.
Limbo:Place
where arms
and legs go when they die.
Liquor
Store: Stupor market.
Listless:Without means of remembering groceries.
Lite: 20%
fewer letters than “light”.
Literally: How
cats give birth.
Liver:One who is
not dead.
Living:
1) Something to do when you don't get to sleep. 2) What happens to you
while you are making other plans.
Locomotive:Crazy
reason.
Loop:
See "Loop".
Looth:
A loose tooth.
Love:
1) A feeling you feel you're
feeling when you have a feeling you feel you've never felt before.2) Two vowels, two consonants, and two
fools. 2) The best medicine. 3) To place our happiness in the happiness
of another. (click here)
Love
letter: Noose paper.
Lucille: Aquarium
escapee.
Lumbar
Puncture: A hole in a 2-by-4.
Lunatic:Insect
from the moon.
Lure:An
object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a
spending frenzy.
Lute: Lots
of money.
Lymph:
Walk with a lisp.
Lyre:Teller
of untruths.
M.
Macro:
The last half of an
expression of surprise: Holy Macro.
Mahatma:Asking mother for hat as in: ‘Where’s
Mahatma?’
Mainframe:The biggest PC peripheral available.
Maintenance free:Impossible
to fix.
Malediction:
Man
talk
Mandate:Rendezvous
with a guy.
Manners:
Noises
you don’t make while eating soup.
Maniac:
An
early computer built by crazy people.
Maritime:
Wedding date.
Marriage:1) A
sentence, not a word. 2) When the man
loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master’s3) Only sport in
which the trapped animal has to buy the license. 4) The
mourning after the knot before. 5) Three ring circus: engagement ring,
wedding ring, suffering. 6) Foreplay for divorce.
Mathematician:
Sum
worshipper.
Matrimony:Loan
from your mother.
May:A
month when you might.
Mayem: Confusion
regarding spring skirt lengths.
Meanderthal:
A
slow moving
aimless individual annoying the heck out of the impatient person behind
him.
Medieval: Only partly bad.
Megahertz:Great pain.
Megaphone:
1
million microphones.
Merriment:Intended to wed.
Metamorphic
geologists: Gneiss
people.
Metronome:City
dwarf.
Microchips:The stuff in the bottom of the
snack-food bag.
Microfiche:Extremely small French fish.
Microwave: A very tiny greeting.
Middle Age: 1)
When your age starts to show at your
middle. 2) A time when a man thinks that
in a week or two he
will feel as good as ever. 3) When actions creak louder
than words.
Mid-evil:Surrounded
by the
bad guys.
Migraine:Not
your wheat - mine.
Minimalism:
Miser: Someone
who earns
money the hoard way.
Mister:
Atomizer.
Mississippi:
Hippie’s
wife.
Misfortune: Well,...do
you?
Misty:
How
golfers create divots.
Modem:1)
What to do to tall weeds. 2) How a southerner asks for seconds.
Monday:
1) Root of
all evil
2) In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Money: A
mint makes it first and we try to make it last.
Monkey
Thump: Bruise
on a banana.
Monopoly:Economic
monster made
in the image of its Creator, the State
Monotheism:Gift from
the Gods.
Moraine:Typical weather forecast.
Morbid: Higher
offer.
Morning: Cause
for alarm.
Mosquitoes: Insects designed to
make flies seem nicer.
Motherboard:Hardware that’s a
maternal turn-off.
Motherhood:
1. Mother of Robin Hood.2. What a baby kangaroo
rides in.
Motivated:
Freshly cut lawn condition.
Mug Shot: Photo of a
coffee cup.
Museum: U see 'em - u muse.
Myth:An
unwed female moth.
N.
Nacho
Cheese:Mine.
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
Narcissistick: Device
used to extend your reach when
taking a
selfie.
Nature:Eagle opportunity
employer.
Naval
Reserve:Belly
button lint.
Negligent:1)
Absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie. 2) Inattentive
fellow.
Network:What
fishermen do when not fishing.
Neurotic:1)
Self-taut person. 2) Person who can't
leave being well enough alone.
New
Age: What
a woman gives instead of her real age.
Nitrate:Different
than the day rate.
Node:Was aware of.
Normalize:Average
vision.
Nose: The Scenter of your face.
Nostridamus:
A nose itch when your hands
are unable to
scratch it.
Now:
A moment in time that has already passed.
Nuance: Who uncles remarry.
Nude:1)
Barefoot
all over. 2) Passed tense of once having known something.
Nudists: People
who wear one-button suits.
Nutcracker's
Suite:
A Squirrel's home.
O.
Obsolete:The
computer you already own.
Odyssey:Should
observe; I told my brother, you
odyssey dis.
Oil
Paints: Pigments
of your
imagination.
Oily:Not late.
Olive:None
die.
Omnipotent:
Camping
shelter
for doctors.
Once:Enough.
Opera:Where
a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Operetta:The
lady who answers the phone at the phone company.
Oregano:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Organic:Church
music.
Orientation:Use of Chinatown
as a
point of reference.
Osteopornosis: A
degenerate disease.
Outpatient: Person who has
fainted.
Output:
What
people who talk backwards do with their cat.
Overboard:Asleep.
Over-Protective:You’re not
ready to
know.
Oxymoron:
Bullfighter.
Oyster:1)
Fish built like a nut. 2) Someone
who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation.
P.
Paint:Substance
applied before using paint
remover.
Paper
clip:Larval
stage of a coat hanger.
Papsmear: Fatherhood test.
Parables:Two
male bovines.
Paradise: 1) Two cubes with dots on
them. 2)Exactly like where you are
right now ... only much, much
better.
Paralyze:"The
check's in the mail" and "Trust Me".
Paranoia: Believing this definition was
is written about you.
Paranoid: Someone who just figured out
what’s going on.
Partake: A golf
score cheat.
Partnership:Co-invested boat.
Pasteurize: Too far
to see.
Patent:
Camping
shelter
for dad.
Patience: Wait control.
PC
Upgrade:
Take the old bugs out, put new ones in
Peeping Tom:1)
A perverted cat on stilts. 2) A Guy too lazy to go to the Beach.
Penitent:
Camping
shelter
that costs only one cent and is really very sorry about it.
Perkatory:
Waiting for coffee to brew.
Persephone:Greek
goddess of bills.
Personal Computing:Terminal
Disease.
Petroleum: Easy-to-clean
floor
covering for cats and dogs.
Pharmacist: Setting up the goal shot on
the farm.
Phony:1) Long distance
fraud
perpetrator. 2) Telephone-related.
Phrase:What teaching music does to your nerves.
Physicist: An atom’s way of knowing about
atoms.
Physics: Reverse-engineering
the universe.
Pickle:A
cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
Pillaging:
Looting a
drugstore.
Pixel: Tinkerbell
after the hormone shots.
Plagiarism:Copying
from one source; (research is copying from two or more.)
Plasma is another
matter.
Playboy: A
hedonist
looking for
consenting shedonists.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Politics:1)The
most promising of all careers. 2) The entertainment branch of industry.
3) Parrot parasites.
Polo:
Horse
Hockey
Polygon:A
missing parrot.
Polytheism: Belief that God is a
parrot.
Pompomposity:Cheerleader
arrogance.
Portent: Dwelling
for underprivileged campers.
Portly:
Unseaworthy.
Post
operative: Letter
carrier
Prediction: You will read this word right
now - ginch!
Psychopath:Any
urban thoroughfare during rush hour.
Pontoon:Cartoon
left as security for a loan.
Porcupine:A
squirrel having a bad hair day.
Porridge:[P]utrid,
h[ORRI]d and slu[DGE].
Pose: Property
of Edgar Allan.
Postoperative:Letter
carrier.
Praise:Letting off
esteem.
Pregnancy:Seems
like a maternity.
President:see:
Scapegoat.
Pretext:Foreword.
Principle:School leader.
Problem Drinker:
The one who never buys.
Procatstinate:When
a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside.
Procrastination: A habit you can
put off trying to correct.
Profanity:The universal
programming language.
Professor:
1.) Not a confessor. 2) One who earns their livelihood fessing.
Profitability:
Fortune telling talent.
Pronoia:
The suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you.
Protein:
Favouring adolescence.
Psychiatrist: Person who’ll listen to
you as long as you don’t make sense.
Psychopath:
The fun route.
Pun:
1) Its own reword. 2) Groan-up.
Purrverse: Poem
about a strange kitty. (click
here)
Putt: The
sound a golf cart makes.
Q.
Quadruplets:
Four
crying out
loud.
Quantum
particles: The
dreams that stuff is made of.
R.
Rabbit:Small portion of a Rabbi.
Racism:1)
Convincing argument against proponent’s racial superiority. 2) Pigment
of
the imagination.
Radioactive:Individual
who can't
work
without music.
Rally: Truly.
Ramification: Consequence forced down one's throat.
Ramshackle: Chains
for a male sheep.
Ratification: Adorning your home with rodents.
Rats: Entitled
power or privileges. ie. "We’re willing to fat for
our rats."
Reasoning
Circular: See
Circular Reasoning.
Receding
hare line:A bunch
of bunnies hopping backwards.
Recovery
Room:Upholstering
chamber.
Recursive:(see
Recursive)
Refined: Locate
again.
Relationships:
All the
yachts that your family owns.
Relentless: The
state of not
being leant something a second time.
Relief: What
trees do in
the spring
Religion:
Prophets hosted by non-profits.
Reintarnation: Returning
in your next life as a hillbilly.
Repercussions:Consequences
of playing
drums loudly.
Reputation:What others are
not thinking about you.
Research: To
look for
something twice.
Reservations: Why natives were here first and what
they had about
us.
Resume': The
closest most come to perfection.
Retard: Past tense
of retire.
Rhode
Island:Texas after Canadian taxes.
Rocks:The original
unfinished furniture.
Rootine:Dental work.
Rose: Colour the
sun was at dawn.
Rotisserie:A
Ferris wheel for chickens.
Rubberneck: What
you do to
relax your wife
Russian:Guy
who sits on nothing and dances.
Rustle:The
sound of
cows being stolen.
S.
Sailing:Mast
transit.
Sales
talk: Trade
wind.
Sandwich: An
faulty attempt
to make both ends meat.
Sarcasm:
1)
Barbed Ire. 2) Quiplash.
Scamp:
Camp
for impish
people.
Scamper:
The
silly way they
walk in scamps.
Scar: Rolled
tobacco
leaf.
School: Building
with four
walls and tomorrow inside.
Schwiggle:
The amusing
rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.
Sculptor: A
poor guy who
makes faces and busts.
Season: Neptune's
kid.
Seamstress: 50
pounds in a
size six.
Secret:Something we
tell everyone not to tell
anyone.
Secretion:Hiding
something.
Security:What guards
drink.
Sedimental: Sappy
syrupy sloppy gush.
Seed: Past
tense of the
verb 'to see'.
Seizure:Roman
Emperor.
Selfish: What
the owner of
a seafood store does.
Semantics:Pranks
conducted by young priesthood students.
Semi-conductor:
One
who directs 18 wheelers.
Senility: When
you're years
beyond your wise.
Shakespeare:What to
do to frighten the enemy.
Shamrock:Cubic
zirconia.
Shellfish:A lobster
that wants everything his way.
Sharewear:Used
clothing.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shipment: Sent
by car, as
opposed to cargo, which is sent by ship.
Shotgun
wedding:A case of
wife or death.
Silicon:An
idiotic prisoner
Silverfish:
Less valuable than a goldfish.
Single:Footloose
and fiancée free.
Situationship: What we got going on here right now.
Skinheads:More hair than
brains.
Skydiving: Good
till the last
drop.
Slay
ride:Automobile
excursion with a Mafia hitman.
Sleep:1)
A poor substitute for caffeine. 2)
Fleeting
moment just before the alarm.
Sleeping
bag: Nap
sack.
Slumber:
Those wood pieces made from trees.
Smile:1)
Mirth Mark. 2) Curve that sets things straight.
Snackmosphere:The
95% air inside bags of potato chips.
Snowbank:Where
Eskimos keep their money.
Spare
Time: You're
lookin' at it.
Spelunk:The
sound someone makes when they hit the bottom of a cave.
Spinster: 1.
Woman who has never learned
to tie a beau. 2. Press secretary.
Spokesperson:Bicycle
wheel manufacturer.
Spongecake: Dessert
made of
borrowed ingredients.
Stagecoach: Drama
teacher.
Stain:Remain
inside.
Statistics: Where
truth lies.
Stick: A
boomerang that
doesn’t work.
Subdued: Like,
a guy who
works on, like, one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudzicle:Ice-cold beer.
Sunbather:A fry in the
ointment.
Sunburn:Getting more than
you basked for.
Supercomputer: What
it sounded
like before you bought it.
Supreme
Court: (1)
It corrects the errors of the lower courts by perpetuating its
own. (2) Where people go if they have anything left after
getting out of the
lower courts
Surrogate
mother:Hired labour.
Suspense:
Suspicion:Why do you want to know?
Symphony:Pretending
to feel sad for someone.
Synonym: Spice for baked apples or buns
Syntax:Money
collected in church.
T.
Tablet: Small
table.
Tact: 1)
Getting your
point across without stabbing someone with it. 2) Recalling
a lady’s birthday but forgetting her age.3) Knowing how far to go too far.4) Rubbing
out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in.5) Describing
others as they see themselves.
Tactics: Breath
fresheners
for dyslexics.
Tar: A
rubber wheel.
Tatercrater:Hole dug in mashed
potatoes to keep the gravy in.
Taut:Educated.
Tautology: Study
of anxiety.
Teen:
One whose
hang-ups don't
include clothing.
Telepathy: Minding
someone
else’s business.
Ten
Letters
Thesaurus:Extinct
dinosaur with
phenomenal vocabulary.
Truncate:The process of
shortening a line to
a specif
Trapezoid:Device
for catching zoids.
Tricycle:Tot
rod.
Tripoli:Apparel size; I went to buy a bra but I
couldn't
find a Tripoli.
Trombone: A
slide whistle
with delusions of grandeur.
Tumor:Extra
pair.
Twin
birth:Infant replay.
Two
words
Typo:
The most common kind of blood.
U.
Ultrasound:The noise a crying
baby makes.
Umbilical
Cord:Baby Bungee.
Undermine:Relative
position; ‘There’s an attractive lady in the apartment
undermine.’
University: 1)
Encompasses one half of diversity.2) A
modern school where football is taught.
Upgrade:
Result of
studying hard
Undertakers: The
last people who’ll let you down.
V.
Varicose:Nearby.
Veja
Du:
The feeling you've never been there before.
Vein:
Conceited
Velocipede: Very fast,
multi-legged creature.
Vertigo:What a tour book tells you.
Viaduct:Why not a chicken?
Volcano:Mountain with
hiccups.
Voluntary
Aerobics:
Wearing bunny slippers near hunting dogs.
W.
Want:An
ant in need.
Wart-hog: The
result of crossing a pig with a frog.
Water
Color: Splashes of reflection.
Weelief:The feeling you get spotting a rest stop on the interstate.
Wench: What you use
to turn the head of a dolt.
Wife:
1)
A lady with a whim of iron; 2) The one person with whom, in an
argument, if you
win - you lose; 3) The spouse that always feels she doesn't dance
enough.
Will: 1) A
dead giveaway.2) A
relative thing.
Wind: Like
air, only pushier.
Witness: Quality
attained by using funny definitions.
Wok: What you thwow at a
wabbit.
Women:
1)
Derived from "woe to men". 2) The female of
the speeches.
Wurst:
Jokes
about German sausage (with "the")
Y.
Yawn:
A silent shout - inside out.
Yearbook:
A book of pictures that get nerdier with time.
Yes-men: Guys who patronize a
man who nobody noes.
Yoke:
1) Yolly Yocularity by a
Yester. 2) Swedish anecdote.
Youthful
figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.
Yo-yo:Something occasionally up but
normally down (see also
"computer").
