A New Book for a New TIme

Funny Definitions Cont.

Letters A-F




Galery: Ladies Room.

Gardener: Plant manager.

Gardens: Weed 'em and reap.

Gargoyle:  Oyster flavoured mouthwash.

Funny Gargoyle Face

Gator Aid: Florida Environmental Group.

Gemuine: Authentic precious stone.

Geneology: 1) Chasing your own tale. 2) Tracing how you descended from someone who didn't. 3) It's all relative in the end anyway. 

Genocide: The mass slaughter of genies.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Glacier: Man who fixes windows.

Giraffiti: Vandalous spray-painting really high up.

Glimo: To attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine.

Gluttonous: Hippobottomless.

Goad: Went

GOD: Generator, Operator and Destroyer

Golf: 1) The only game where players get teed off before starting. 2) A game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well. 3) A lovely walk spoiled by a little white ball. 4) Baseball for those that don't have 8 friends.

Golfer: Yells "Fore!", Takes Five, Writes Down Three.

Gonzo: No dweeb.

Gossip: 1) Someone with a sense of rumour. 2) Someone who syndicates their conversation. 3) Knife of the party.

Granite: Presupposed; as in, to take things for granite.

Grippe: A handle on a suitcase for flu medicines. 

Ground water: Crushed ice.

Gum: Adhesive for hair.





Hamlet: A little pig.


Handi-wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Hanging: 1) An early western form of Bungee Jumping. 2) Suspended sentence.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Hangover: 1) The wrath of grapes. 2) Mourning after the night before.

Hardware: The part you kick.

Harp: Naked Piano.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when they hear a dirty word.

Hebrews:  How Moses makes his coffee.

Hen: Egg spurt.  

Herbalists: Followers of "Herb".

Herbivore: Female who you've never met.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does (click here)

Heterodyne: Eating with someone of the opposite sex.

Hiking: Friendly greeting for a male monarch.

Holy War: A war, for God's sake.

Home Cooking: A place where many men think their wives are.

Homemade Bread: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

Honeymoon:  1) A short period of doting between dating and debting. 2) The time between 'I do' and 'You'd better!' 3) Morning after the knot before.

Horse: Stable animal.

Horse Sense: 1) Stable behavior. 2) The thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people.

Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.

Hot: Blood-pumping organ.

Hotel: Place where dollars are given for quarters.

Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

Hula: Welcome waggin'.

Humerus: Tell us what we want to hear.

Humdinger: Sound of an antique clock before striking.

Graphic Definition of Humdinger

Hunters: Deer people. 

Hypochondria: Compulsively feeling like a hippopotamus.

Hypothalmus: A Thalamus the size of a large animal.

Hydrophobia: Fear of utility companies.

Hyperspace: More energetic than normal space.

Hypotenuse: An aircraft’s toilet in use during flight.

Hysteria: Fear of snakes.



Ice: Skid stuff.

Icicle: Eavesdropper.

Idolize: Lazy eyeballs.

3D Happy Face with Funny Lazy Eyes

Igloo:  An icicle built for two.

Iliterate: Unhealthy author.

Illegal: A sick bird.

Immigration: The sincerest form of flattery.

Impale: 1. What the native Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man. 2. Elfin beverage.

Impatience: A wait problem.

Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

Impersonate: What did he do Mr. Cannibal?

Impotent: 1) Distinguished, well known. 2) Camping shelter for a chubby elf.

Impunity: What happens when the playful band together.

Inadvertant: Ant featured in commercial.

Incisor: Person who exercises indoors.

Income Tax: Capital punishment

Incommodious: Occupied bathroom

Independent: Hanging out opposite the shallow end of the pool.

Indistinct: Where the dirty dishes are.

Infantry: The baby's room.

Inflation: 1) Just a drop in the buck.  2) Fate worse than debt. 3) Result of legalized counterfeiting.

Inkling: 1) A very small pen. 2) Thought sought in a Rorschach test.

Innuendo: Italian for where you hang your curtains.

Inpatient: Where the lost scalpel can be found.

Input: Food, beverages, painkillers, stimulants, etc. 

Intuition: Hotel admission fee.

Insecticide: When insects kill themselves.

Instinct: Intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.

Intense: Where campers hang out.

Intensive: Significant; ‘For all intensive purposes.’

Irony: 1) Metalurgical  2) Something you smelt.  3) Opposite of wrinkly.

Isolate: Personal lament regarding tardiness.

Iterate: A healthy illiterate.



Jargon: When the jam and container are missing.

Jaundice:  Met up with our group.

Funny Group of Meerkats

Jeanealogy: Study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims.

Juggersnot: A huge impending sneeze you know you can't prevent.

Juggler:  1) Schizophrenic playing catch. 2) A vein in your neck.

Jugular: Shaped like an urn.

Juniper: Contraction meaning “Did you bite that female?”

Justice: 1) Decision in your favor. 2) What judges mix their drinks with.

Juveniles: Little rivers that run into the Nile.



Kerchief: The noise you make when sneezing into a hanky.

Ketch:  Disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract.

Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer. 

Kibble: One thousand nibbles.

Kidnap: Goat’s rest period.

Kilocycle: Really hard bike to ride.

Kindred: Fear of being visited by relatives.

Kiss: 1) Putting your honey where your mouth is.

Dog Kissing a Guinea Pig behind the ear

Kit N. Caboodle: A whole lot of cats.

Kilohertz:  Mortal injuries.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.


Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lactose: Consequences of frostbite.

Lamb Stew:  Much ado about mutton.

Landscape: Panoramic escape.

Lap Dog: Greyhound used for racing.

Latent: The French camping shelter.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Laughter:  A smile having an orgasm.

Laugh track: Fraudience.

Lawyer: 1) Misspelling of the word "Liar." 2) Larval form of a politician. 

Leanient: Building inspectors in Pisa.

Legacy: A wooden leg in a bequest.  

Legends: Feet.

Lettermen: Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they’ve mastered.

Liability: Fraud artist asset.

Library: Multi story building.

Lightyear: Regular year with fewer calories.

Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die.

Liquor Store: Stupor market.

Listless: Without means of remembering groceries.

Lite: 20% fewer letters than “light”.

Literally: How cats give birth.

Liver: One who is not dead.

Living: 1) Something to do when you don't get to sleep. 2) What happens to you while you are making other plans.

Locomotive: Crazy reason.

Mouse Inside Wooden Locomotive

Loop: See "Loop".

Looth: A loose tooth.

Love: 1) A feeling you feel you're feeling when you have a feeling you feel you've never felt before.2) Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools. 2) The best medicine. 3) To place our happiness in the happiness of another. (click here)

Love letter: Noose paper.

Lucille: Aquarium escapee.

Lumbar Puncture: A hole in a 2-by-4.

Lunatic: Insect from the moon.

Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a spending frenzy.

Lute: Lots of money.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lyre: Teller of untruths.



Macro:  The last half of an expression of surprise: Holy Macro.

Mahatma:  Asking mother for hat as in: ‘Where’s Mahatma?’

Mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.

Maintenance free:  Impossible to fix.

Malediction: Man talk

Mandate:  Rendezvous with a guy.

Manners: Noises you don’t make while eating soup.

Maniac: An early computer built by crazy people.

Maritime: Wedding date.

Bride Dragging a Groom

Marriage:  1) A sentence, not a word. 2) When the man loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master’s 3) Only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. 4) The mourning after the knot before. 5) Three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 6) Foreplay for divorce.

Mathematician: Sum worshipper.

Matrimony:  Loan from your mother.

May: A month when you might.  

Mayem: Confusion regarding spring skirt lengths.

Meanderthal: A slow moving aimless individual annoying the heck out of the impatient person behind him.

Medieval: Only partly bad.

Megahertz: Great pain.

Megaphone: 1 million microphones.

Merriment: Intended to wed.

Metamorphic geologists: Gneiss people.

Metronome: City dwarf.

Microchips:  The stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag.

Microfiche:  Extremely small French fish.

Microwave: A very tiny greeting.

Middle Age: 1) When your age starts to show at your middle. 2) A time when a man thinks that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. 3) When actions creak louder than words.

Mid-evil: Surrounded by the bad guys.

Migraine: Not your wheat - mine.


Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way.

Mister: Atomizer.

Mississippi: Hippie’s wife.

Misfortune:  Well,...do you?

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Modem: 1) What to do to tall weeds. 2) How a southerner asks for seconds.

Monday: 1) Root of all evil 2) In Christian countries, the day after the football game.

Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.

Monkey Thump: Bruise on a banana.

Monopoly: Economic monster made in the image of its Creator, the State

Monotheism:  Gift from the Gods.

Moraine:  Typical weather forecast.

Morbid: Higher offer.

Morning: Cause for alarm.

Mosquitoes: Insects designed to make flies seem nicer.

Motherboard: Hardware that’s a maternal turn-off.

Motherhood:  1. Mother of Robin Hood.  2. What a baby kangaroo rides in.

Motivated: Freshly cut lawn condition.

Mug Shot: Photo of a coffee cup.

Museum: U see 'em - u muse.

Myth: An unwed female moth.


Nacho Cheese: Mine.

Tiny Humans on a Cheese Board

Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man. 

Narcissistick:  Device used to extend your reach when taking a selfie.

Nature: Eagle opportunity employer.

Naval Reserve: Belly button lint.

Negligent: 1) Absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie. 2) Inattentive fellow.

Network: What fishermen do when not fishing.

Neurotic: 1) Self-taut person. 2) Person who can't leave being well enough alone.

New Age: What a woman gives instead of her real age.

Nitrate: Different than the day rate.

Node: Was aware of.

Normalize: Average vision.

Nose: The Scenter of your face.

Nostridamus: A nose itch when your hands are unable to scratch it.

Now: A moment in time that has already passed.

Nuance: Who uncles remarry.

Nude: 1) Barefoot all over. 2) Passed tense of once having known something.

Nudists: People who wear one-button suits.

Nutcracker's Suite: A Squirrel's home.



Obsolete: The computer you already own.

Odyssey: Should observe; I told my brother, you odyssey dis.

Oil Paints: Pigments of your imagination.

Oily: Not late.

Olive: None die.

Omnipotent: Camping shelter for doctors.

Once: Enough.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Operetta: The lady who answers the phone at the phone company.

Oregano: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Organic: Church music.

Orientation: Use of Chinatown as a point of reference.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Outpatient: Person who has fainted.

Output: What people who talk backwards do with their cat.  

Overboard: Asleep.

Over-Protective: You’re not ready to know.

Oxymoron: Bullfighter.

Oyster: 1) Fish built like a nut. 2) Someone who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation.




Paint: Substance applied before using paint remover.

Paper clip: Larval stage of a coat hanger.

Papsmear: Fatherhood test.

Parables: Two male bovines.

Paradise: 1) Two cubes with dots on them. 2) Exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Paralyze: "The check's in the mail" and "Trust Me".

Paranoia: Believing this definition was is written about you.

Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what’s going on.

Partake: A golf score cheat.

Partnership: Co-invested boat.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Patent: Camping shelter for dad.

Patience: Wait control.

PC Upgrade: Take the old bugs out, put new ones in

Peeping Tom: 1) A perverted cat on stilts. 2) A Guy too lazy to go to the Beach.

Penitent: Camping shelter that costs only one cent and is really very sorry about it.

Perkatory: Waiting for coffee to brew.

Persephone: Greek goddess of bills.

Personal Computing: Terminal Disease.

Petroleum: Easy-to-clean floor covering for cats and dogs.

Pharmacist: Setting up the goal shot on the farm.

Phony: 1) Long distance fraud perpetrator. 2) Telephone-related.

Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.

Physicist: An atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Physics: Reverse-engineering the universe.

Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Pillaging: Looting a drugstore.

Pixel: Tinkerbell after the hormone shots.

Plagiarism: Copying from one source; (research is copying from two or more.)

Plasma is another matter.

Playboy: A hedonist looking for consenting shedonists.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Politics: 1)The most promising of all careers. 2) The entertainment branch of industry. 3) Parrot parasites.

Polo: Horse Hockey

Polygon: A missing parrot.

Polytheism: Belief that God is a parrot.

Pompomposity: Cheerleader arrogance.

Portent: Dwelling for underprivileged campers.

Portly: Unseaworthy.

Post operative: Letter carrier

Prediction: You will read this word right now - ginch!

Psychopath: Any urban thoroughfare during rush hour.

Pontoon:  Cartoon left as security for a loan.

Porcupine: A squirrel having a bad hair day.

Porridge: [P]utrid, h[ORRI]d and slu[DGE].

Pose: Property of Edgar Allan.

Postoperative: Letter carrier.

Praise: Letting off esteem.

Pregnancy: Seems like a maternity.

President: see: Scapegoat.

Pretext: Foreword.

Principle: School leader.

Problem Drinker: The one who never buys.

Procatstinate: When a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside.

Procrastination: A habit you can put off trying to correct.

Profanity: The universal programming language.

Professor:  1.) Not a confessor. 2) One who earns their livelihood fessing.

Profitability: Fortune telling talent.

Pronoia: The suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you.

Protein: Favouring adolescence.

Psychiatrist: Person who’ll listen to you as long as you don’t make sense.

Psychopath: The fun route.

Pun: 1) Its own reword. 2) Groan-up.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. (click here)

Putt: The sound a golf cart makes.


Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.


Rabbit: Small portion of a Rabbi.

Racism: 1) Convincing argument against proponent’s racial superiority. 2) Pigment of the imagination.

Radioactive: Individual who can't work without music.

Rally: Truly.

Ramification: Consequence forced down one's throat.

Ramshackle: Chains for a male sheep.

Ratification:  Adorning your home with rodents.

Rats: Entitled power or privileges. ie. "We’re willing to fat for our rats."

Reasoning Circular: See Circular Reasoning.

Receding hare line: A bunch of bunnies hopping backwards.

Recovery Room: Upholstering chamber.  

Recursive: (see Recursive)

Refined: Locate again.

Relationships: All the yachts that your family owns.

Relentless: The state of not being leant something a second time.

Relief: What trees do in the spring

Religion: Prophets hosted by non-profits.

Reintarnation: Returning in your next life as a hillbilly.

Repercussions: Consequences of playing drums loudly.

Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.

Research: To look for something twice.

Reservations:  Why natives were here first and what they had about us.

Resume':  The closest most come to perfection.

Retard: Past tense of retire.

Rhode Island: Texas after Canadian taxes.

Rocks: The original unfinished furniture.  

Rootine: Dental work.

Rose: Colour the sun was at dawn.

Rotisserie: A Ferris wheel for chickens.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife

Russian: Guy who sits on nothing and dances.

Rustle: The sound of cows being stolen.


Sailing: Mast transit. 

Sales talk: Trade wind.

Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat. 

Sarcasm: 1) Barbed Ire. 2) Quiplash.

Scamp: Camp for impish people.

Scamper: The silly way they walk in scamps.

Scar: Rolled tobacco leaf.

School: Building with four walls and tomorrow inside.

Schwiggle: The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.

Sculptor: A poor guy who makes faces and busts.

Season: Neptune's kid. 

Seamstress: 50 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Security: What guards drink.

Sedimental: Sappy syrupy sloppy gush.

Seed:  Past tense of the verb 'to see'.

Seizure: Roman Emperor.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Semantics: Pranks conducted by young priesthood students.

Semi-conductor: One who directs 18 wheelers.

Senility: When you're years beyond your wise.

Shakespeare: What to do to frighten the enemy.

Shamrock: Cubic zirconia.

Shellfish: A lobster that wants everything his way.

Sharewear: Used clothing.

ShinA device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shipment: Sent by car, as opposed to cargo, which is sent by ship.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Silicon: An idiotic prisoner

Silverfish: Less valuable than a goldfish.

Single:  Footloose and fiancée free.

Situationship: What we got going on here right now.

Skinheads: More hair than brains.

Skydiving: Good till the last drop.

Slay ride: Automobile excursion with a Mafia hitman.

Sleep: 1) A poor substitute for caffeine. 2) Fleeting moment just before the alarm.

Sleeping bag: Nap sack.

Slumber: Those wood pieces made from trees.

Smile: 1) Mirth Mark. 2) Curve that sets things straight.

Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.

Snowbank: Where Eskimos keep their money.

Spare Time: You're lookin' at it.

Spelunk: The sound someone makes when they hit the bottom of a cave.

Spinster: 1. Woman who has never learned to tie a beau. 2. Press secretary.

Spokesperson: Bicycle wheel manufacturer.

Spongecake: Dessert made of borrowed ingredients.

Stagecoach: Drama teacher.

Stain: Remain inside.

Statistics: Where truth lies.

Stick: A boomerang that doesn’t work.

Subdued: Like, a guy who works on, like, one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudzicle: Ice-cold beer.

Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.

Sunburn: Getting more than you basked for.

Supercomputer: What it sounded like before you bought it.

Supreme Court: (1) It corrects the errors of the lower courts by perpetuating its own.  (2) Where people go if they have anything left after getting out of the lower courts

Surrogate mother: Hired labour.


Suspicion: Why do you want to know?

Symphony: Pretending to feel sad for someone.

Synonym: Spice for baked apples or buns

Syntax: Money collected in church.



Tablet: Small table.

Tact: 1) Getting your point across without stabbing someone with it. 2) Recalling a lady’s birthday but forgetting her age.  3) Knowing how far to go too far.4) Rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in. 5) Describing others as they see themselves. 

Tactics: Breath fresheners for dyslexics.  

Tar:  A rubber wheel.

Tatercrater: Hole dug in mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in.

Taut: Educated.

Tautology: Study of anxiety.

Teen: One whose hang-ups don't include clothing.

Telepathy: Minding someone else’s business.

Ten Letters

Thesaurus: Extinct dinosaur with phenomenal vocabulary.

Testicle: Humourous exam question.

Test tube baby: In a glass by itself.


Theft: What you seize is what you get.

Thief: Person who finds things before the owner loses them.

Thimble: Symbol for people with a lisp.

Thongs: What Thinatra thang.

Threek: Fork with a bent tine.

Tibia: Country in North Africa.

Time: 1) An illusion perpetrated by the makers of space. 2) A way of preventing that everything happens simultaneously.

Toad: What happens to an illegally parked frog.

Today: Yesterday’s affect and tomorrow’s cause.

Tomato paste: Used to fix broken tomatoes.

Tomorrow: 1) Today’s greatest labor saving device. 2) Yesterday soon enough.

Tommororororororo: Lawn mower that won't start.

Toothache: Pain that drives you to extraction.

Trackball: Computer mouse that went belly up.

Truncate: The process of shortening a line to a specif

Trapezoid: Device for catching zoids.

Tricycle: Tot rod.

Tripoli: Apparel size; I went to buy a bra but I couldn't find a Tripoli.

Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

Tumor: Extra pair.

Twin birth: Infant replay.

Two words

Typo:  The most common kind of blood.




Ultrasound: The noise a crying baby makes.

Umbilical Cord: Baby Bungee.

Undermine: Relative position; ‘There’s an attractive lady in the apartment undermine.’

University: 1) Encompasses one half of diversity.2) A modern school where football is taught.

Upgrade: Result of studying hard

Undertakers: The last people who’ll let you down.




Varicose: Nearby.

Veja Du: The feeling you've never been there before.

Vein: Conceited

Velocipede:  Very fast, multi-legged creature.

Vertigo: What a tour book tells you.

Viaduct: Why not a chicken?

Volcano: Mountain with hiccups.

Voluntary Aerobics: Wearing bunny slippers near hunting dogs.



Want: An ant in need.

Wart-hog: The result of crossing a pig with a frog. 

Water Color: Splashes of reflection.

Weelief: The feeling you get spotting a rest stop on the interstate.

Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt.

Wife: 1) A lady with a whim of iron; 2) The one person with whom, in an argument, if you win - you lose; 3) The spouse that always feels she doesn't dance enough.

Will: 1) A dead giveaway. 2) A relative thing.

Wind: Like air, only pushier.

Witness: Quality attained by using funny definitions.

Wok: What you thwow at a wabbit.

Women: 1) Derived from "woe to men". 2) The female of the speeches.

Wurst: Jokes about German sausage (with "the")


Yawn:  A silent shout - inside out.

Yearbook: A book of pictures that get nerdier with time.

Yes-men: Guys who patronize a man who nobody noes.

Yoke: 1) Yolly Yocularity by a Yester. 2) Swedish anecdote.

Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.

Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").

Yule log: Deforesting command.

Yuppie: A cheer that arises from insane profits. 



Zebra:  A sports model horsey.

Laughing Zebra


The Chronicles  (funny)

Positive Adjective Glossary

Positive Nouns that Describe People

Romantic Adjectives