Warning: This web page is not for the screamish!
"Grab onto my arm. Hold tight. We are going into a number of dark places, but I think I know the way. Just don't let go of my arm." - Stephen King
"She was a phantom of delight. When first she gleamed upon my sight; A lovely apparition, sent To be a moments ornament." - William Wordsworth
"Mom, was I ever a grub?" - Calvin
"In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death." - Spock
"I haven't eaten a bloody thing all day." - Dracula
"Warned you have been." - Yoda
Did You Know...
...that if you have your head chopped off (all the rage this season) you can expect seven seconds of consciousness before all the blood drains from your brain. You would have time to view the world from a bodiless perspective.
668: The neighbour of the beast.
The End of... The Raven
by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
Vampire Trivia Qveschuns
Who wrote Dracula?
Does Count Dracula Possess lycanthropy? (Ability to change into a wolf)
What was the name of the first vampire film?
Answers to all 3 bloody questions
Expand Your Halloween Vocabulary
Fester: Quicker
Fish and ships: What sea monsters eat.
Jack O'Lobotomy: Removal of pulp and seeds from a pumpkin.
Poultrygiest: The ghost of a chicken.
Sadist: Little old whine maker.
Ghosts: Merely unsubstantiated roomers.
Politically Correct Halloween Terminology
Ghost: Dimensionally Challenged
Zombies: Living Impaired
Uncommon Knowledge
It's always quietest before the hyenas come.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is probably saving you for tomorrow.
A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.
It was pretty hard to get dates if you had the black death.
Bloody Trivia Questions
Is the jugular vein a vein?
What causes those freaky red eyes in your family's photographs?
What did Alfred Hitchcock use to simulate blood going down the drain in the famous shower scene in "Psycho"?
Who is Lisa Simpson's favorite Jazz musician?
What do Russian cosmonauts use to prevent gum bleeding during long space flights?
Thirsty?
A Zombie isn't the only seasonally appropriate alcoholic drink you can serve for Halloween. Other tantalizing drink names include Alien Urine Sample, Brain Hemorrhage, Devil's Cocktail, Eat Hot Death, Gates of Hell, Headless Horseman, Instant Death, Nightmare, Porch Crawlers, Tarantula, and What the Hell.
Let's Boo-gie!
In Italy, between the 14th and 16th centuries, people believed that wild music would counter the effect of a poisonous tarantula spider bite. The weary victim would dance in the desperate hope that the vigorous exercise would work off the poison. This music became the dance we know today as the tarantella.
"Now, that's entertainment!" - Vlad the Impaler
Everybody Boo-ga-loo!
Now you too can create such a nice macabre atmosphere for your party. All your needs can be found, despite its bugs, on the web.
On the web you'll find animatronic spiders (lovely) or a full assortment of other life-sized animatronic figures such as a guy in an electric chair (heh, heh, heh) and others. You can find fog machines as well as a wide assortment of severed limbs including a head (delightful) or an ear (cute) or, alternatively, a squashed rat (The best kind) to grace your buffet table. This is assuming, of course, that you don't have time to garnish with the real thing. You can also find Halloween carols to sing around the warm glow of your jack-o-lantern and a brain-in-a-jar or alien-in-a-jar to adorn your mantle or coffee table. You can even find recommendations for alternative music to keep your sound effects tape from getting too tiresome. You can start by sending out personalized electronic postcards, as party invitations via email. Done right your party could be a horrible disaster.
Icky Trivia Questions
What is a row of crows called?
When someone dies standing, does the body fall backward or forward.
Within one pound, how much does the skin of the average person weigh?
If you could spend an evening conversing with any person, living or dead, which person would you choose?
What has four legs and two arms?
Atmosphere
The lobby of the Vampire State Building, in Howlywood, is a charming place that's just filled with atmosphere. It's haunted of course. Sometimes you'll swear you can see a little monster running by ardently pursued by its mummy and deady.
On weekends the air, in the lobby, is filled with music from a skeletal trom-bone quartet. The music is different, however, whenever there are a lot of mummies in town. Mummies, it seems, prefer wrap music (accursed creatures). Apparently they like its "edgy" quality because they're morbidly afraid of relaxing and unwinding.
The aroma of fresh baking emanating from the little off-lobby bakery is almost as seductive as the curvaceous Elvira-like attendant behind the counter who bats her eyes, and her wings, at you. She's half-vampire/half ghoul and, between you and me, she wears way too much mass-scare-a. She really wants to maintain her goulish figure, too, but just can't resist sucking, and then goblin, the jelly out of the jelly doughnuts. She can be a real pain in the neck. Nonetheless, whenever I run into a demon, I always try to take the time to introduce them. Demons, after all, are a ghoul's best friend.
You won't see any other vampires in the lobby during the day of course because, as you know, Vampires are like false teeth - they come out at night.
Suicide is the last thing you should do.
Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy."
AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
