of English Words

© 2001-2020 Systemagic Productions


Aaaack: Utterance upon running face first into a spider web  - and realizing that you don't know where the spider is now.



Aardvark: The honest way to make money.  

Abalone: Nonsense!

Abash: A great party.

Abdicate: To renounce stomach exercises

Abdominal: Legendary snowman.

Abominable: What you have when a male bovine swallows dynamite.
Absentee: Missing golf accessory.

Abstract Logic: 1. See definition two. 2. See definition one. 

Abundance: Big party held in a bakery.

Abundunce:  A dumb bunny.  

Acclaim: Something a good insurance agent knows how to handle.

Accordion: Pleated bagpipe.

Accordianated: Ability to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Accountant: 1) Person who feels good when things are looking black.  2) One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Accrue:  People who run a ship.

Accumulate:  Slang way of asking, "Why are you tardy?"

Acetone: That’s the sound when you pick up the phone.   

Acme: Pimples on the tip of your nose.

Acoustic: What you play pool with.

Acquit: Fed-up employee statement.

Acre: Someone who aches.

Acronym: Name for a gymnast.

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

Adamant: The first insect.

Address: Attire worn by some females.

Adventure:  Somewhere between entertainment and panic.

After dinner mint: Funds required upon receipt of check.

Aftermath:  Period following algebra.

Air pollution: Mist demeanor.

Airplane: A lot of parts flying in close formation.

Alarm clock: Machine that scares the daylights into people without kids.

Alcoholic: A person who drinks more than his physician. 

Alimony: 1) Fee for name-dropping. 2) Bye now, pay later. 3) Bounty after the mutiny. 4) The high cost of leaving. 5) The billing without the cooing.

Aloha:  Reduce volume; ‘please speak in aloha voice.’

Alone: What the bank leaves you.
Alphabet: Fifty percent of a wager.
Allure: See Debate.

Alp: A European skier’s shout for assistance.

Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in coffee with both hands.

Amenable: A prayer. 

America: One nation, under God, with liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go.

Amidst:  Thick fog.

Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time.

Anaerobic: Unwilling to exercise.

Anno Domini (AD): No more dominoes.

Antacid: Hallucinogenic drugs used by little bugs.

Ants:  People who marry uncles.

Antiquarian:  Ant born between Jan 21-Feb 23.

Antelope: A type of family scandal.

Apathy:  Who cares?

Apex: Former spouse of a gorilla.

Apparent: One's mother or father.

Apricot: Where a baby gorilla sleeps.

Aquarium:  Interactive television for cats.  

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after accidentally walking through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Archaic: What we eat after ar dinner.

Archaeologist: 1) Ghoul with credentials. 2) Person whose career lies in ruins.

Armadillo: 1) Possum on the half-shell. 2) Texas speed bump.

Aroma: Whisper heard by nose.

Aromatic: Automatic longbow.

Arson: Not ar daughter.

Array: What comes out of Buck Roger's gun.  

Arrays: What you demand from your boss.

Arrears: Our two organs of hearing.

Arteologist: One who digs old paintings.

Artery: Study of paintings.

Artefacts:  Things art majors know.

Artistic License: You're looking at it.

Ashtray:  Pig Latin for Trash.

Aspirin:  Having great ambitions.

Asset:  A little donkey.

Astronaut:  Whirled traveler.

Astronomer:  Night watchman.

Atheism: 1) A deep religious faith in the non-existence of God. 2) A non-prophet organization.

Atheist: One with no invisible means of support.

Atomizer: Cheapskate who hoards microscopic particles.

Attorney:  Major sporting event.

Audiophile: Stereotype.

Authorize: What writers see with.

Automobile:  A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Autumn: When nature goes baroque.  
Awestruck: Feeling when your team loses unexpectedly.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter does.

Axe: Inquire



Baby-Sitter: 1) A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that adults may behave like teen-agers. 2) One you hire to watch TV.

Bachelor: 1) A man who Mrs. nothing. 2) An unaltared male. 3) A rolling stone that gathers no boss.

Bacteria: Lunchroom for chiropractors.  

Bail: Made hay.  

Bailiff: Dried up leaf, used in cooking.

Bald: When you’re taller than your hair.  

Balderdash: Rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Banality: Any joke about a banana. For example:..

Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.  

Bandwidth: Limited by the size of the stage.

Bar: What a Southerner hunts in the woods.  

Bar Stool: What hillbillies sometimes step in.

Barbarous: Bad hair cut.  

Bard: Past tense of "to borrow."

Bargain: Buy two soaps and get one free.

Barium: What you do with dead chemists.

Baroque: When you are out of Monet.

Barren: A naked bird.

Bawlroom: Hospital nursery.

Beach Wiccan: A sand witch.

Beatnik: Santa Claus the day after Christmas.

Beauty: 1) [Internal] A quality that most times comes from within - jars, tubes and bottles; 2)  [External] Given by Mother Nature and taken by Father Time.

Beauty parlour:  A place where women curl up and dye.  

Bee: Fly with a fur coat.

Beheading: Loss of face.

Belittle: Shrink!

Belly button: Salt holder when eating celery in bed.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.  

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Bide: Purchased.

Bigotry: One of the California redwoods.

Bikini: Public Waist.

Bipolar: Eskimo marketing slogan.

Bison: What a buffalo says to his kid when he's leaving.

Bit: Unit by which computer programmers lose their sanity.

Black hole: 1) God dividing by zero. 2) The "subway" of the universe.

Blunderbuss: Vehicle used for random traveling.

Book: The original random access device.

Boss:  Someone who's late when you're early and early when you're late.

Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.

Boulder: Less timid.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it. 

Bother: a Pooh poo.

Bouyant: Male hill insect.

Bore: Someone who talks about himself when he should be talking about yourself.

Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.

Breadth: A wide loaf.

Buccaneer: Unit cost of corn on the cob.

Bucktooth: Going rate for the tooth fairy.

Budget: 1) A record of what the money should have been spent for.2) Methodical debt incursion.

Buffet: French for making a pig of yourself.  

Bulimia: Retched excess.

Bulldozer:  Someone who sleeps through political speeches.

Bungalow: Unfortunate buffalo that can't do anything right.  

Bunion: Paul's surname.

Bunny: Bakery characteristic.

Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Bust: Stone representation of someone ahead of their time.




Cabbage:  1) The fare you pay the taxi driver. 2) The number of years a taxi has existed.

Calorie: Unit denoting how good food tastes.

Calzone:  That particular zone where one pigs out on pizza.

Camelot: The place to shop for a used dromedary.

Campus: Show us where to pitch our tent.

Cancer: The cure for smoking.

Cannibal: One who gets fed up with people.

Canoe: Are you able.

Can opener: Bathroom key.  

Cantaloupe: Unable to run away and get married.

Capital Punishment: Income Tax

Capsize: Head measurement.  

Cards: Game devices with which a good deal depends on a good deal.

Carnation: Auto land.

Carnivore: Someone who watches people dancing and playing music in the street.

Carp Diem: Fish of the Day.

Cartoons: 1) Music played in an automobile. 2) Devices used by newspapers to say what an editor dare not.

Cartoonist: Auto mechanic.

Case: The amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast.

Cashew: Sound of a nut sneezing.

Castanet: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend.

Cat: 1) Small, four legged, furry extortionist resembling a meatloaf. 2) Walking ego with an attitude problem. 3) Alien that took over the Earth millennia ago. 4) Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

Cataclysm: Bible study classes for cats.

Caterpillar: 1) Upholstered worm.2) A soft scratching post for cats.

Cat Scan: Very expensive modality for finding a missing hamster.

Catatonic: Feline medicinal drink.

Caviar Emptor: Let the Fish Beware!

Cause: The noises made by crows.

Cauterize:  Made eye contact with her.

Celebrity: Person who is well-known for their well-knownness.

Cell: The opposite of bi.

Cemetery: 1) A marble orchard you can take for granite. 2) Death row.

Censor: One who sticks his no's into other people's business.

Census taker: Man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Centipede: A metric inchworm.

Cesarean Section: Historic district in Rome.  

Chairity: Donating your La-Z-Boy.

Chicken: The egg's way of making more eggs.

Childhood: Cowl for a youngster.

Children: 1) Unreasonable facsimiles. 2) Heir raising experiences.

China: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Chinese Spy: Peiking Tom.

Chiropractors: Manipulators.  

Church: Place where you encounter nodding acquaintances.

Circumference: Original knight of the round table.

Circumvent: Opening in the front of boxer shorts

Classic: Not tutored.

Class Action: Quality activity

Claustrophobia: Fear of Santa.

Coffee:  1) Sneezy's younger brother. 2) Consciousness. 3) Someone who's coughed upon. 4) Break fluid.

Coffin: Chest cold symptom.

Coincide: What to do when it starts raining.

Collage: French institute of higher education.

College: The bread of life; a four year loaf.

Coma: Punctuation mark.  

Command: Suggestion made to a computer.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compalatable: Two people with the same taste in art.

Compatible: Progress and pet this male bovine.

Computer: 1) A box that you can never completely fill with money. 2) Very fast, very precise device for generating mistakes.

Con Artist: The guy who draws pictures of suspects.

Conductor:  A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Confusion: The oldest religion in China.  

Conference: Confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.

Congenital: Friendly.

Congress: Opposite of progress.

Consciousness:  Annoying time between naps.

Conscript: One who is forced to fight for freedom.

Consensus: Prison population survey.

Conservative:  Someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 

Considerable: What bullfighters do.  

Consist: A growth on an inmate.

Contents: Camping shelters for prisoners.

Contrite: The lament of an illiterate person.

Control: A short, ugly inmate

Conventional: Like nuns.

Copper Nitrate: What policemen get paid for working evenings.

Copyright: Duplicating a computer disk without errors.

Cordial: Describes death by hanging.  

Core Memory: A Marine's nostalgia.

Corkscrew: Device used to open a conversation.

Cosmetics: A means to prevent men from reading between the lines.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Courage: Fear extinguisher.

Court: A place where they dispense with justice.

Cow: Machine that makes grass palatable for humans.

Cramming: Eating too many snacks while studying.

Crash: Normal termination.

Cremation: Used in coffee.

Cribbage: Baby's bedroom.

Croissant: Angry ant.

Curate: How quickly paint dries.

Cursor: Computer expert in four-letter words.

Curtail: Tale told by a junkyard mutt.

Cyclone: To ride a bike without company.

Cymbals: Little pictures that mean things.

Cytology: Study of locations.




Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

Dalmatian: Consignment to Hell.

Dare:  Not here... dare!

Daze: Opposite of knights.

Dead: Terminally inconvenienced.

Death:  1) Something you can live without. 2) Natures was of telling you to slow down.

Debate:  What lures de fish.

Debunk:  Where de cowboy sleeps.

Decaf: 1) Used to sober up after drinking non-alcholic beer. 2) To deliver a newborn bovine.

Decrease: De fold in de pants.

Define: De ting you get fo' breakin' de law.

Deja Stew: Leftovers

Delicate:  A dainty kitten who likes kosher food.

Democracy: How voters choose who to blame.

Demote: What de king put round de castle.

Denial:  A river in Egypt.

Dense:  What your car gets in a fender bender.

Dentist:  One who lives from hand to mouth.

Depth: Height turned upside down.

Depressed: Wrinkled

Derive: Something to avoid when you derink.

Dermatology:  Rash judgments.

Derange: A place where de cowboys ride.

Deranged: Driven off the ranch.

Dermatology: Rash judgments.

Deserter: Soldier who stuffs himself with all the ice cream and cream cakes.

Desk: A large wastebasket with drawers and a phone

Despair: De extra tire in de trunk.

Despise: People who work for the CIA.

Dessert: The reason for eating a meal.

Destabilize:  To take the horse out for a trot.

Destinesia: Arriving at a place not able to remember why.

Detention: What causes de stress.

Dew: Air that looks wet.

Diagnostic:  To expire not knowing whether God exists.

Diarrhea:  Journal of daily events.

Diary: Book of revelations.

Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.

Dictionary: The only place where Success comes before work.

Diatonic: Low fat drink.

Diet: 1) For people who are thick and tired of it all. 2) Gut reaction. 3) Triumph of mind over platter. 4) What some women do to their hair. 5) Keeping willpower dominant over won't power.

DiJon Vu: The feeling that you've tasted this mustard before. 

Dilate: To live long.

Dilemma: A pickle.

Dime:  Dollar after taxes.

Dimple:  Pimple going the other way.

Diode: What happens to people who don't die young.

Dioxen: What you shout as you kill a bunch of buffalo-like cattle.

Diploma: Di man who fixes di pipes.

Diplomacy: 1) The art of letting someone else get your way. 2) Lying in state.

Disappointment:  Particular meeting.

Discord: Not to be confuse with Datcord.

Discount: CD store inventory.

Disgruntled: Pigs with laryngitis.

Dispirited: Out of gin.

Distain: The one on your pants.

DNA: The building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

Doctor:  Cures ills with pills and kills with bills.

Doghouse:  Mutt hut.

Dog Pound: Used cur lot.

Dogma: Puppy's mom.

Dogmatic: Man's best mechanical friend.

Dogmatism: Fully grown puppymatism. 

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Download: Pillow stuffing.

Draft: An ill wind from which many a young man has caught his death.

Dramatize:  What well-dressed actors wear.

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Duck: Chicken on snow shoes.

Dual: A fight over love & money or jealousy & infidelity for example.

Duet: Don't just sit there!

Due Tomorrow: Do tomorrow.

Dust Rags: See "Dad’s Underwear"

Dyslexia: Beeing Sackwards.


Early: Like Dumbo.

Easter: Further to the east.

Eclipse: What a barber does.

Ecstatic: Formerly charged with electric particles.

Egotist: 1) Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.  2) One who suffers from I strain.

Electrician: Person who wires for money

Encrypt: Where Egyptian mummies sleep.

Enema: Not a friend.

Enlist: n, n, n, n, n, ... 

Epistle: What apostle's are always firing off.

Epoch: The sound made by a hen.

Escape: One size larger than an "R" cape.

Esplanade: Explanation attempt while drunk. 

Etc.: Used to make it appear as if you know more than you do etc.

Euphemasia: New politically correct name for Political Correctness:

Evolution: 1) From goo to you by way of the zoo. 2) Nature's way of upgrading the hardware.3) How scientists make monkeys of themselves.

Exlax: Formerly the Los Angeles Airport.

Experience: Perils of wisdom.  

Express:  Formerly of  print media.

Extent: Place to put your former spouse.

Eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist


F: School grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B".

Fad: In one era and out the other.

Far: A conflagration.

Fat free: No extra charge for the fat.

Facts: Things which tend to moderate opinions.

Faith: Where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located.

Fast-Food: Economy Gastronomy.

Father: Banker provided by nature.

Fatherhood: Cowl for a dad.

Fauxpass: The fake slip of paper that a student uses as a hall pass.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Feature: A defect with seniority.

Fee-fi-fo-bia: Fear of giants.

Felicity: A town inhabited by happy cats.

Felonious assault: Attacking someone with a cat.

Ferret: 1) Cross between a dachshund and a cat. 2) Chaos theory with teeth, claws and a slight odor.

Fester: 1) Actor in Gunsmoke. 2) Quicker.

Feudalism: It's your Count that votes.

Fibrillate: To tell a lie in the wee hours of the morning.

Fibula: Small lie.

Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.

Fingers: Digital calculators.

Fish Fryer: Chip monk.

Flabbergasted: Appalled about weight gain.

Flail: Not to succeed.

Flashlight: Container for dead batteries.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle for steamroller accident victims.

Flippant: Like a fish.  

Florist: Petal pusher.

Fjord: Norwegian automobile.

Fobia: Fear of misspelled words

Fog: The air apparent.

Foot: Device for finding Legos in the dark.

Footnote: Sole music.

Forced: Place that's full of trees.

Forebearers: Ancestors who were in favour of grizzlies.

Forecasts: What you need when you break both arms and legs.  

Forest: In favour of taking it easy.

Forger: Person who gives checks a bad name.

Foreclose: Toward apparel; If I buy food, I'll have no money foreclose.

Forfeit: What most animals stand on.

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers.

Form: Administrative currency.

Fortify: More than forty-four, less than forty-six.

Fortitude: Life after age forty-one.

Fortune Teller:  Economically exclusive bank employee.

Free: The number preceding fore.

Frog: Amphibian with edible legs.

Fruit: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

Fuchsia: Opposite of past.

Fun: (Single's Ad Translation) Annoying

Fungi: Life of the party.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.




Galery: Ladies Room.

Gardener: Plant manager.

Gardens: Weed 'em and reap.

Gargoyle:  Oyster flavoured mouthwash.

Gator Aid: Florida Environmental Group.

Gemuine: Authentic precious stone.

Geneology: 1) Chasing your own tale. 2) Tracing how you descended from someone who didn't. 3) It's all relative in the end anyway. 

Genocide: The mass slaughter of genies.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Glacier: Man who fixes windows.

Giraffiti: Vandalous spray-painting really high up.

Glimo: To attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine.

Gluttonous: Hippobottomless.

Goad: Went

GOD: Generator, Operator and Destroyer

Golf: 1) The only game where players get teed off before starting. 2) A game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well. 3) A lovely walk spoiled by a little white ball. 4) Baseball for those that don't have 8 friends.

Golfer: Yells "Fore!", Takes Five, Writes Down Three.

Gonzo: No dweeb.

Gossip: 1) Someone with a sense of rumor. 2) Someone who syndicates their conversation. 3) Knife of the party.

Granite: Presupposed; as in, to take things for granite.

Grippe: A handle on a suitcase for flu medicines. 

Ground water: Crushed ice.

Gum: Adhesive for hair.





Hamlet: A little pig.

Handi-wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Hanging: 1) An early western form of Bungee Jumping. 2) Suspended sentence.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Hangover: 1) The wrath of grapes. 2) Mourning after the night before.

Hardware: The part you kick.

Harp: Naked Piano.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when they hear a dirty word.

Hebrews:  How Moses makes his coffee.

Hen: Egg spurt.  

Herbalists: Followers of "Herb".

Herbivore: Female who you've never met.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does (click here)

Heterodyne: Eating with someone of the opposite sex.

Hiking: Friendly greeting for a male monarch.

Holy War: A war, for God's sake.

Home Cooking: A place where many men think their wives are.

Homemade Bread: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

Homepage: When your family makes your beeper go off.  

Honeymoon:  1) A short period of doting between dating and debting. 2) The time between 'I do' and 'You'd better!' 3) Morning after the knot before.

Horse: Stable animal.

Horse Sense: 1) Stable behavior. 2) The thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people.

Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.

Hot: Blood-pumping organ.

Hotel: Place where dollars are given for quarters.

Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

Hula: Welcome waggin'.

Humerus: Tell us what we want to hear.

Humdinger: Sound of an antique clock before striking.

Hunters: Deer people. 

Hypochondria: Compulsively feeling like a hippopotamus.

Hypothalmus: A Thalamus the size of a large animal.

Hydrophobia: Fear of utility companies.

Hyperspace: More energetic than normal space.

Hypotenuse: An aircraft’s toilet in use during flight.

Hysteria: Fear of snakes.



Ice: Skid stuff.

Icicle: Eavesdropper.

Idolize: Lazy eyeballs.

Igloo:  An icicle built for two.

Iliterate: Unhealthy author.

Illegal: A sick bird.

Immigration: The sincerest form of flattery.

Impale: 1. What the native Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man. 2. Elfin beverage.

Impatience: A wait problem.

Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

Impersonate: What did he do Mr. Cannibal?

Impotent: 1) Distinguished, well known. 2) Camping shelter for a chubby elf.

Impunity: What happens when the playful band together.

Inadvertant: Ant featured in commercial.

Incisor: Person who exercises indoors.

Income Tax: Capital punishment

Incommodious: Occupied bathroom

Independent: Hanging out opposite the shallow end of the pool.

Indistinct: Where the dirty dishes are.

Inflation: 1) Just a drop in the buck.  2) Fate worse than debt. 3) Result of legalized counterfeiting.

Inkling: 1) A very small pen. 2) Thought sought in a Rorschach test.

Innuendo: Italian for where you hang your curtains.

Inpatient: Where the lost scalpel can be found.

Input: Food, beverages, painkillers, stimulants, etc. 

Intuition: Hotel admission fee.

Insecticide: When insects kill themselves.

Instinct: Intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.

Intense: Where campers hang out.

Intensive: Significant; ‘For all intensive purposes.’

Irony: 1) Metalurgical  2) Something you smelt.  3) Opposite of wrinkly.

Isolate: Personal lament regarding tardiness.

Iterate: A healthy illiterate.



Jargon: When the jam and container are missing.

Jaundice:  Met up with our group.

Jeanealogy: Study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims.

Juggersnot: A huge impending sneeze you know you can't prevent.

Juggler:  1) Schizophrenic playing catch. 2) A vein in your neck.

Jugular: Shaped like an urn.

Juniper: Contraction meaning “Did you bite that female?”

Justice: 1) Decision in your favor. 2) What judges mix their drinks with.

Juveniles: Little rivers that run into the Nile.



Kerchief: The noise you make when sneezing into a hanky.

Ketch:  Disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract.

Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer. 

Kibble: One thousand nibbles.

Kidnap: Goat’s rest period.

Kilocycle: Really hard bike to ride.

Kindred: Fear of being visited by relatives.

Kiss: 1) Putting your honey where your mouth is.

Kit N. Caboodle: A whole lot of cats.

Kilohertz:  Mortal injuries.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.


Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lactose: Consequences of frostbite.

Lamb Stew:  Much ado about mutton.

Landscape: Panoramic escape.

Lap Dog: Greyhound used for racing.

Latent: The French camping shelter.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Laughter:  A smile having an orgasm.

Laugh track: Fraudience.

Lawyer: 1) Misspelling of the word "Liar." 2) Larval form of a politician. 

Leanient: Building inspectors in Pisa.

Legacy: A wooden leg in a bequest.  

Legends: Feet.

Lettermen: Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they’ve mastered.

Liability: Fraud artist asset.

Library: Multi story building.

Lightyear: Regular year with fewer calories.

Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die.

Liquor Store: Stupor market.

Listless: Without means of remembering groceries.

Lite: 20% fewer letters than “light”.

Literally: How cats give birth.

Liver: One who is not dead.

Living: 1) Something to do when you don't get to sleep. 2) What happens to you while you are making other plans.

Locomotive: Crazy reason.

Loop: See "Loop".

Looth: A loose tooth.

Love: 1) A feeling you feel you're feeling when you have a feeling you feel you've never felt before.2) Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools. 2) The best medicine. 3) To place our happiness in the happiness of another. (click here)

Love letter: Noose paper.

Lucille: Aquarium escapee.

Lumbar Puncture: A hole in a 2-by-4.

Lunatic: Insect from the moon.

Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a spending frenzy.

Lute: Lots of money.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lyre: Teller of untruths.



Macro:  The last half of an expression of surprise: Holy Macro.

Mahatma:  Asking mother for hat as in: ‘Where’s Mahatma?’

Mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.

Maintenance free:  Impossible to fix.

Malediction: Man talk

Mandate:  Rendezvous with a guy.

Manners: Noises you don’t make while eating soup.

Maniac: An early computer built by crazy people.

Maritime: Wedding date.

Marriage:  1) A sentence, not a word. 2) When the man loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master’s 3) Only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. 4) The mourning after the knot before. 5) Three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 6) Foreplay for divorce.

Mathematician: Sum worshipper.

Matrimony:  Loan from your mother.

May: A month when you might.  

Mayem: Confusion regarding spring skirt lengths.

Meanderthal: A slow moving aimless individual annoying the heck out of the impatient person behind him.

Medieval: Only partly bad.

Megahertz: Great pain.

Megaphone: 1 million microphones.

Merriment: Intended to wed.

Metamorphic geologists: Gneiss people.

Metronome: City dwarf.

Microchips:  The stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag.

Microfiche:  Extremely small French fish.

Microwave: A very tiny greeting.

Middle Age: 1) When your age starts to show at your middle. 2) A time when a man thinks that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. 3) When actions creak louder than words.

Mid-evil: Surrounded by the bad guys.

Migraine: Not your wheat - mine.


Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way.

Mister: Atomizer.

Mississippi: Hippie’s wife.

Misfortune:  Well, you?

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Modem: 1) What to do to tall weeds. 2) How a southerner asks for seconds.

Monday: 1) Root of all evil 2) In Christian countries, the day after the football game.

Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.

Monkey Thump: Bruise on a banana.

Monopoly: Economic monster made in the image of its Creator, the State

Monotheism:  Gift from the Gods.

Moraine:  Typical weather forecast.

Morbid: Higher offer.

Morning: Cause for alarm.

Mosquitoes: Insects designed to make flies seem nicer.

Motherboard: Hardware that’s a maternal turn-off.

Motherhood:  1. Mother of Robin Hood.  2. What a baby kangaroo rides in.

Motivated: Freshly cut lawn condition.

Mug Shot: Photo of a coffee cup.

Museum: U see 'em - u muse.

Myth:  An unwed female moth.


Nacho Cheese: Mine.

Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man. 

Narcissistick:  Device used to extend your reach when taking a selfie.

Nature: Eagle opportunity employer.

Naval Reserve: Belly button lint.

Negligent: 1) Absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie. 2) Inattentive fellow.

Network: What fishermen do when not fishing.

Neurotic: 1) Self-taut person. 2) Person who can't leave being well enough alone.

New Age: What a woman gives instead of her real age.

Nitrate: Different than the day rate.

Node: Was aware of.

Normalize: Average vision.

Nose: The Scenter of your face.

Nostridamus: A nose itch when your hands are unable to scratch it.

Now: A moment in time that has already passed.

Nuance: Who uncles remarry.

Nude: 1) Barefoot all over. 2) Passed tense of once having known something.

Nudists: People who wear one-button suits.

Nutcracker's Suite: A Squirrel's home.



Obsolete: The computer you already own.

Odyssey: Should observe; I told my brother, you odyssey dis.

Oil Paints: Pigments of your imagination.

Oily: Not late.

Olive: None die.

Omnipotent: Camping shelter for doctors.

Once: Enough.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Operetta: The lady who answers the phone at the phone company.

Oregano: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Organic: Church music.

Orientation: Use of Chinatown as a point of reference.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Outpatient: Person who has fainted.

Output: What people who talk backwards do with their cat.  

Overboard: Asleep.

Over-Protective: You’re not ready to know.

Oxymoron: Bullfighter.

Oyster: 1) Fish built like a nut. 2) Someone who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation.




Paint: Substance applied before using paint remover.

Paper clip: Larval stage of a coat hanger.

Papsmear: Fatherhood test.

Parables: Two male bovines.

Paradise: 1) Two cubes with dots on them. 2) Exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Paralyze: "The check's in the mail" and "Trust Me".

Paranoia: Believing this definition was is written about you.

Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what’s going on.

Partake: A golf score cheat.

Partnership: Co-invested boat.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Patent: Camping shelter for dad.

Patience: Wait control.

PC Upgrade: Take the old bugs out, put new ones in

Peeping Tom: 1) A perverted cat on stilts. 2) A Guy too lazy to go to the Beach.

Penitent: Camping shelter that costs only one cent and is really very sorry about it.

Perkatory: Waiting for coffee to brew.

Persephone: Greek goddess of bills.

Personal Computing: Terminal Disease.

Petroleum: Easy-to-clean floor covering for cats and dogs.

Pharmacist: Setting up the goal shot on the farm.

Phony: 1) Long distance fraud perpetrator. 2) Telephone-related.

Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.

Physicist: An atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Physics: Reverse-engineering the universe.

Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Pillaging: Looting a drugstore.

Pixel: Tinkerbell after the hormone shots.

Plagiarism: Copying from one source; (research is copying from two or more.)

Plasma is another matter.

Playboy: A hedonist looking for consenting shedonists.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Politics: 1)The most promising of all careers. 2) The entertainment branch of industry. 3) Parrot parasites.

Polo: Horse Hockey

Polygon: A missing parrot.

Polytheism: Belief that God is a parrot.

Pompomposity: Cheerleader arrogance.

Portent: Dwelling for underprivileged campers.

Portly: Unseaworthy.

Post operative: Letter carrier

Prediction: You will read this word right now - ginch!

Psychopath: Any urban thoroughfare during rush hour.

Pontoon:  Cartoon left as security for a loan.

Porcupine: A squirrel having a bad hair day.

Porridge: [P]utrid, h[ORRI]d and slu[DGE].

Pose: Property of Edgar Allan.

Postoperative: Letter carrier.

Praise: Letting off esteem.

Pregnancy: Seems like a maternity.

President: see: Scapegoat.

Pretext: Foreword.

Principle: School leader.

Problem Drinker: The one who never buys.

Procatstinate: When a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside.

Procrastination: A habit you can put off trying to correct.

Profanity: The universal programming language.

Professor:  1.) Not a confessor. 2) One who earns their livelihood fessing.

Profitability: Fortune telling talent.

Pronoia: The suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you.

Protein: Favouring adolescence.

Psychiatrist: Person who’ll listen to you as long as you don’t make sense.

Psychopath: The fun route.

Pun: 1) Its own reword. 2) Groan-up.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. (click here)

Putt: The sound a golf cart makes.



Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.


Rabbit: Small portion of a Rabbi.

Racism: 1) Convincing argument against proponent’s racial superiority. 2) Pigment of the imagination.

Radioactive: Individual who can't work without music.

Rally: Truly.

Ramification: Consequence forced down one's throat.

Ramshackle: Chains for a male sheep.

Ratification:  Adorning your home with rodents.

Rats: Entitled power or privileges. ie. "We’re willing to fat for our rats."

Reasoning Circular: See Circular Reasoning.

Receding hare line: A bunch of bunnies hopping backwards.

Recovery Room: Upholstering chamber.  

Recursive: (see Recursive)

Refined: Locate again.

Relationships: All the yachts that your family owns.

Relentless: The state of not being leant something a second time.

Relief: What trees do in the spring

Religion: Prophets hosted by non-profits.

Reintarnation: Returning in your next life as a hillbilly.

Repercussions: Consequences of playing drums loudly.

Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.

Research: To look for something twice.

Reservations:  Why natives were here first and what they had about us.

Resume':  The closest most come to perfection.

Retard: Past tense of retire.

Rhode Island: Texas after Canadian taxes.

Rocks: The original unfinished furniture.  

Rootine: Dental work.

Rose: Colour the sun was at dawn.

Rotisserie: A Ferris wheel for chickens.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife

Russian: Guy who sits on nothing and dances.

Rustle: The sound of cows being stolen.


Sailing: Mast transit. 

Sales talk: Trade wind.

Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat. 

Sarcasm: 1) Barbed Ire. 2) Quiplash.

Scamp: Camp for impish people.

Scamper: The silly way they walk in scamps.

Scar: Rolled tobacco leaf.

School: Building with four walls and tomorrow inside.

Schwiggle: The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.

Sculptor: A poor guy who makes faces and busts.

Season: Neptune's kid. 

Seamstress: 50 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Security: What guards drink.

Sedimental: Sappy syrupy sloppy gush.

Seed:  Past tense of the verb 'to see'.

Seizure: Roman Emperor.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Semantics: Pranks conducted by young priesthood students.

Semi-conductor: One who directs 18 wheelers.

Senility: When you're years beyond your wise.

Shakespeare: What to do to frighten the enemy.

Shamrock: Cubic zirconia.

Shellfish: A lobster that wants everything his way.

Sharewear: Used clothing.

ShinA device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shipment: Sent by car, as opposed to cargo, which is sent by ship.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Silicon: An idiotic prisoner

Silverfish: Less valuable than a goldfish.

Single:  Footloose and fiancée free.

Skinheads: More hair than brains.

Skydiving: Good till the last drop.

Slay ride: Automobile excursion with a Mafia hitman.

Sleep: 1) A poor substitute for caffeine. 2) Fleeting moment just before the alarm.

Sleeping bag: Nap sack.

Slumber: Those wood pieces made from trees.

Smile: 1) Mirth Mark. 2) Curve that sets things straight.

Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.

Snowbank: Where Eskimos keep their money.

Spare Time: You're lookin' at it.

Spelunk: The sound someone makes when they hit the bottom of a cave.

Spinster: 1. Woman who has never learned to tie a beau. 2. Press secretary.

Spokesperson: Bicycle wheel manufacturer.

Spongecake: Dessert made of borrowed ingredients.

Stagecoach: Drama teacher.

Stain: Remain inside.

Statistics: Where truth lies.

Stick: A boomerang that doesn’t work.

Subdued: Like, a guy who works on, like, one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudzicle: Ice-cold beer.

Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.

Sunburn: Getting more than you basked for.

Supercomputer: What it sounded like before you bought it.

Supreme Court: (1) It corrects the errors of the lower courts by perpetuating its own.  (2) Where people go if they have anything left after getting out of the lower courts

Surrogate mother: Hired labour.


Suspicion: Why do you want to know?

Symphony: Pretending to feel sad for someone.

Synonym: Spice for baked apples or buns

Syntax: Money collected in church.



Tablet: Small table.

Tact: 1) Getting your point across without stabbing someone with it. 2) Recalling a lady’s birthday but forgetting her age.  3) Knowing how far to go too far.4) Rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in. 5) Describing others as they see themselves. 

Tactics: Breath fresheners for dyslexics.  

Tar:  A rubber wheel.

Tatercrater: Hole dug in mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in.

Taut: Educated.

Tautology: Study of anxiety.

Teen: One whose hang-ups don't include clothing.

Telepathy: Minding someone else’s business.

Ten Letters

Thesaurus: Extinct dinosaur with phenomenal vocabulary.

Testicle: Humourous exam question.

Test tube baby: In a glass by itself.


Theft: What you seize is what you get.

Thief: Person who finds things before the owner loses them.

Thimble: Symbol for people with a lisp.

Thongs: What Thinatra thang.

Threek: Fork with a bent tine.

Tibia: Country in North Africa.

Time: 1) An illusion perpetrated by the makers of space. 2) A way of preventing that everything happens simultaneously.

Toad: What happens to an illegally parked frog.

Today: Yesterday’s affect and tomorrow’s cause.

Tomato paste: Used to fix broken tomatoes.

Tomorrow: 1) Today’s greatest labor saving device. 2) Yesterday soon enough.

Tommororororororo: Lawn mower that won't start.

Toothache: Pain that drives you to extraction.

Trackball: Computer mouse that went belly up.

Truncate: The process of shortening a line to a specif

Trapezoid: Device for catching zoids.

Tricycle: Tot rod.

Tripoli: Apparel size; I went to buy a bra but I couldn't find a Tripoli.

Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

Tumor: Extra pair.

Twin birth: Infant replay.

Two words

Typo:  The most common kind of blood.




Ultrasound: The noise a crying baby makes.

Umbilical Cord: Baby Bungee.

Undermine: Relative position; ‘There’s an attractive lady in the apartment undermine.’

University: 1) Encompasses one half of diversity.2) A modern school where football is taught.

Upgrade: Result of studying hard

Undertakers: The last people who’ll let you down.




Varicose: Nearby.

Veja Du: The feeling you've never been there before.

Vein: Conceited

Velocipede:  Very fast, multi-legged creature.

Vertigo: What a tour book tells you.

Viaduct: Why not a chicken?

Volcano: Mountain with hiccups.

Voluntary Aerobics: Wearing bunny slippers near hunting dogs.



Want: An ant in need.

Wart-hog: The result of crossing a pig with a frog. 

Water Color: Splashes of reflection.

Weelief: The feeling you get spotting a rest stop on the interstate.

Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt.

Wife: 1) A lady with a whim of iron; 2) The one person with whom, in an argument, if you win - you lose; 3) The spouse that always feels she doesn't dance enough.

Will: 1) A dead giveaway. 2) A relative thing.

Wind: Like air, only pushier.

Witness: Quality attained by using funny definitions.

Wok: What you thwow at a wabbit.

Women: 1) Derived from "woe to men". 2) The female of the speeches.

Wurst: Jokes about German sausage (with "the")


Yawn:  A silent shout - inside out.

Yearbook: A book of pictures that get nerdier with time.

Yes-men: Guys who patronize a man who nobody noes.

Yoke: 1) Yolly Yocularity by a Yester. 2) Swedish anecdote.

Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.

Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").

Yule log: Deforesting command.

Yuppie: A cheer that arises from insane profits. 



Zebra:  A sports model horsey.


The Chronicles  (funny)

Positive Adjective Glossary            Positive Nouns that Describe People

Romantic Adjectives            Positive Business Words