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Macro:  The last half of an expression of surprise: Holy Macro.

Mahatma:  Asking mother for hat as in: ‘Where’s Mahatma?’

Mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.

Maintenance free:  Impossible to fix.

Malediction: Man talk

Mandate:  Rendezvous with a guy.

Manners: Noises you don’t make while eating soup.

Maniac: An early computer built by crazy people.

Maritime: Wedding date.

Mathematician: Sum worshipper.

Matrimony:  Loan from your mother.

Marriage:  1) A sentence, not a word. 2) When the man loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master’s 3) Only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. 4) The mourning after the knot before. 5) Three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 6) Foreplay for divorce.

Maritime: Wedding date.

May: A month when you might.  

Mayem: Confusion regarding spring skirt lengths.

Meanderthal: A slow moving aimless individual annoying the heck out of the impatient person behind him.

Medieval: Only partly bad.

Megahertz: Great pain.

Megaphone: 1 million microphones.

Merriment: Intended to wed.

Metamorphic geologists: Gneiss people.

Metronome: City dwarf.

Microchips:  The stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag.

Microfiche:  Extremely small French fish.

Microwave: A very tiny greeting.

Middle Age: 1) When your age starts to show at your middle. 2) A time when a man thinks that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. 3) When actions creak louder than words.

Mid-evil: Surrounded by the bad guys.

Migraine: Not your wheat - mine.


Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way.

Mister: Atomizer.

Mississippi: Hippie’s wife.

Misfortune:  Well, you?

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Modem: 1) What to do to tall weeds. 2) How a southerner asks for seconds.

Monday: 1) Root of all evil 2) In Christian countries, the day after the football game.

Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.

Monkey Thump: Bruise on a banana.

Monopoly: Economic monster made in the image of its Creator, the State

Monotheism:  Gift from the Gods.

Moraine:  Typical weather forecast.

Morbid: Higher offer.

Morning: Cause for alarm.

Mosquitoes: Insects designed to make flies seem nicer.

Motherboard: Hardware that’s a maternal turn-off.

Motherhood:  1. Mother of Robin Hood.  2. What a baby kangaroo rides in.

Motivated: Freshly cut lawn condition.

Mug Shot: Photo of a coffee cup.

Museum: U see 'em - u muse.

Myth:  An unwed female moth.



Nacho Cheese: Mine.

Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man. 

Narcissistick:  Device used to extend your reach when taking a selfie.

Nature: Eagle opportunity employer.

Naval Reserve: Where the spare belly buttons are kept.

Negligent: 1) Absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie. 2) Inattentive fellow.

Network: What fishermen do when not fishing.

Neurotic: 1) Self-taut person. 2) Person who can't leave being well enough alone.

New Age: What a woman gives instead of her real age.

Nitrate: Different than the day rate.

Node: Was aware of.

Normalize: Average vision.

Nose: The Scenter of your face.

Nostridamus: A nose itch when your hands are unable to scratch it.

Now: A moment in time that has already passed.

Nuance: Who uncles remarry.

Nude: 1) Barefoot all over. 2) Passed tense of once having known something.

Nudists: People who wear one-button suits.

Nutcracker's Suite: A Squirrel's home.



Obsolete: The computer you already own.

Odyssey: Should observe; I told my brother, you odyssey dis.

Oil Paints: Pigments of your imagination.

Oily: Not late.

Olive: None die.

Omnipotent: Camping shelter for doctors.

Once: Enough.

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Operetta: The lady who answers the phone at the phone company.

Oregano: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Organic: Church music.

Orientation: Use of Chinatown as a point of reference.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Outpatient: Person who has fainted.

Output: What people who talk backwards do with their cat.  

Overboard: Asleep.

Over-Protective: You’re not ready to know.

Oxymoron: Bullfighter.

Oyster: 1) Fish built like a nut. 2) Someone who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation.



Paint: Substance applied before using paint remover.

Paper clip: Larval stage of a coat hanger.

Papsmear: Fatherhood test.

Parables: Two male bovines.

Paradise: 1) Two cubes with dots on them. 2) Exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Paralyze: "The check's in the mail" and "Trust Me".

Paranoia: Believing this definition was is written about you.

Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what’s going on.

Partnership: Co-invested boat.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Patent: Camping shelter for dad.

Patience: Wait control.

PC Upgrade: Take the old bugs out, put new ones in

Peeping Tom: 1) A perverted cat on stilts. 2) A Guy too lazy to go to the Beach.

Penitent: Camping shelter that costs only one cent and is really very sorry about it.

Perkatory: Waiting for coffee to brew.

Persephone: Greek goddess of bills.

Personal Computing: Terminal Disease.

Pharmacist: Setting up the goal shot on the farm.

Phony: 1) Long distance fraud perpetrator. 2) Telephone-related.

Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.

Physicist: An atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Physics: Reverse-engineering the universe.

Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Pillaging: Looting a drugstore.

Pixel: Tinkerbell after the hormone shots.

Plagiarism: Copying from one source; (research is copying from two or more.)

Plasma is another matter.

Playboy: A hedonist looking for consenting shedonists.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Politics: 1)The most promising of all careers. 2) The entertainment branch of industry. 3) Parrot parasites.

Polo: Horse Hockey

Polygon: A missing parrot.

Polytheism: Belief that God is a parrot.

Pompomposity: Cheerleader arrogance.

Portent: Dwelling for underprivileged campers.

Portly: Unseaworthy.

Post operative: Letter carrier

Prediction: You will read this word right now - ginch!

Psychopath: Any urban thoroughfare during rush hour.

Pontoon:  Cartoon left as security for a loan.

Porcupine: A squirrel having a bad hair day.

Porridge: [P]utrid, h[ORRI]d and slu[DGE].

Pose: Property of Edgar Allan.

Postoperative: Letter carrier.

Praise: Letting off esteem.

Pregnancy: Seems like a maternity.

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President: see: Scapegoat.

Pretext: Foreword.

Principle: School leader.

Problem Drinker: The one who never buys.

Procatstinate: When a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside.

Procrastination: A habit you can put off trying to correct.

Profanity: The universal programming language.

Professor:  1.) Not a confessor. 2) One who earns their livelihood fessing.

Profitability: Fortune telling talent.

Pronoia: The suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you.

Protein: Favouring adolescence.

Psychiatrist: Person who’ll listen to you as long as you don’t make sense.

Psychopath: The fun route.

Pun: 1) Its own reword. 2) Groan-up.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. (click here)

Putt: The sound a golf cart makes.



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