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H.

 

Hamlet: A little pig.

Handi-wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Hanging: 1) An early western form of Bungee Jumping. 2) Suspended sentence.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Hangover: 1) The wrath of grapes. 2) Mourning after the night before.

Hardware: The part you kick.

Harp: Naked Piano.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when they hear a dirty word.

Hebrews:  How Moses makes his coffee.

Hen: Egg spurt.  

Herbalists: Followers of "Herb".

Herbivore: Female who you never met.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does (click here)

Heterodyne: Eating with someone of the opposite sex.

Hiking: Friendly greeting for a male monarch.

Holy War: A war, for God's sake.

Home Cooking: A place where many men think their wives are.

Homemade Bread: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

Homepage: When your family makes your beeper go off.  

Honeymoon:  1) A short period of doting between dating and debting. 2) The time between 'I do' and 'You'd better!' 3) Morning after the knot before.

Horse: Stable animal.

Horse Sense: 1) Stable behavior. 2) The thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people.

Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.

Hot: Blood-pumping organ.

Hotel: Place where dollars are given for quarters.

Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

Hula: Welcome waggin'.

Humerus: Tell us what we want to hear.

Humdinger: Sound of an antique clock before striking.

Hunters: Deer people. 

Hypochondria: Compulsively feeling like a hippopotamus.

Hypothalmus: A Thalamus the size of a large animal.

Hydrophobia: Fear of utility companies.

Hyperspace: More energetic than normal space.

Hypotenuse: An aircraft’s toilet in use during flight.

Hysteria: Fear of snakes.

 

I.

Ice: Skid stuff.

Icicle: Eavesdropper.

Idolize: Lazy eyeballs.

Igloo:  An icicle built for two.

Iliterate: Unhealthy author.

Illegal: A sick bird.

Immigration: The sincerest form of flattery.

Impale: What the native Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man.

Impatience: A wait problem.

Inpatient: Where the lost scalpel can be found.

Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

Impersonate: What did he do Mr. Cannibal?

Impotent: 1) Distinguished, well known. 2) Camping shelter for a chubby elf.

Inadvertant: Ant featured in commercial.

Incisor: Person who exercises indoors.

Income Tax: Capital punishment. 
Incommodious: Occupied bathroom
Independent: Hanging out opposite the shallow end of the pool.

Indistinct: Where the dirty dishes are.

Inflation: 1) Just a drop in the buck.  2) Fate worse than debt. 3) Result of legalized counterfeiting.

Inkling: A very small pen.

Innuendo: Italian for where you hang your curtains.

Input: Food, beverages, painkillers, stimulants, etc. 

Intuition: Hotel admission fee.

Insecticide: When insects kill themselves.

Instinct: Intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.

Intense: Where campers hang out.

Intensive: Significant; ‘For all intensive purposes.’

Irony: 1) Metalurgical  2) Something you smelt.  3) Opposite of wrinkly.

Isolate: Personal lament regarding tardiness.

Iterate: A healthy illiterate.

 

 

 

 

J.  

Jargon: When the jam and container are missing.

Jaundice:  Met up with our group.

Jeanealogy: Study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims

Juggler:  1) Schizophrenic playing catch. 2) A vein in your neck.

Jugular: Shaped like an urn.

Juniper: Contraction meaning “Did you bite that female?”

Justice: 1) Decision in your favor. 2) What judges mix their drinks with.

Juveniles: Little rivers that run into the Nile.

 

K.  

Kerchief: The noise you make when sneezing into a hanky.

Ketch:  Disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract.

Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer. 

Kibble: One thousand nibbles.

Kidnap: Goat’s rest period.

Kilocycle: Really hard bike to ride.

Kindred: Fear of being visited by relatives.

Kiss: 1) Putting your honey where your mouth is.

Kit N. Caboodle: A whole lot of cats.

Kilohertz:  Mortal injuries.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

 

L.

Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lactose: Consequences of frostbite.

Lamb Stew:  Much ado about mutton.

Landscape: Panoramic escape.

Lap Dog: Greyhound used for racing.

Latent: The French camping shelter.

Laughing:  A smile having an orgasm.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Laugh track: Fraudience.

Lawyer: 1) Misspelling of the word "Liar." 2) Larval form of a politician. 

Leanient: Building inspectors in Pisa.

Legacy: A wooden leg in a bequest.  

Legends: Feet.

Lettermen: Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they’ve mastered.

Liability: Fraud artist asset.

Library: Multi story building.

Lightyear: Regular year with fewer calories.

Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die.

Liquor Store: Stupor market.

Listless: Without means of remembering groceries.

Lite: 20% fewer letters than “light”.

Literally: How cats give birth.

Liver: One who is not dead.

Living: 1) Something to do when you don't get to sleep. 2) What happens to you while you are making other plans.

Locomotive: Crazy reason.

Loop: See "Loop".

Looth: A loose tooth.

Love: 1) A feeling you feel you're feeling when you have a feeling you feel you've never felt before.2) Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools. 2) The best medicine. 3) To place our happiness in the happiness of another. (click here)

Love letter: Noose paper.

Lucille: Aquarium escapee.

Lumbar Puncture: A hole in a 2-by-4.

Lunatic: Insect from the moon.

Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a spending frenzy.

Lute: Lots of money.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lyre: Teller of untruths.

        

More Funny Definitions:

AB         CD         EFG         MNOP         QRST         UVWXYZ

 

Positive Adjective Glossary

 

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